I am the problem

Why am I the problem? Even if your know how they treated me? If I’m always the problems, there’s no reason to stay alive.

Feeling bottled up?

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2025-08-14

I’m dying inside

Generally, I’m a happy person. I laugh a lot, I smile a lot. My friends called me “យាយប្រិមប្រិយ”. It's hard to see me without a smile on my face. Everyone thinks that I don't have any problems in my life, since I always laugh and smiling in every pictures that we captured. Deep down I’m slowly dying day by day. I literally cannot find any form of joy in my life. I feel like I can't show my real feelings; I feel like I have to keep smiling and i feels really guilty if I tell them about that because it’ll ruin their day. I’m jealous to those who brave enough to talk about it especially admit that they’ve suicidal thoughts. Smiling and laughing has become a reflex for me and it’s easier for me rather than tell them what’s going on. I no longer “ME” for a long time ago but nobody noticed it. I feel like someone is clawing away at me on the inside. I feel so empty. I don't know what to do.
2025-08-14

What if?

But what if I fail? what if fail?what should I do? What am I going to do next? What's their first impression when they know that I fail?what if they hate they? disgusted me? disappointed in me? scold me? look down on me? what's going to happens? should I just kill myself right away?I don't know I just knew that if I am really fail, the next thing is I'm not in my right mind,my mental health is unstable,all I can think is die cause im scared to tell them,I don't think I have any courage to tell them,I don't think I am brave enough to see their reaction after I tell them that I fail.. If I actually going to fail ,all I want is someone I trust to be by my side,I don't need their comfort words,all I want is someone to sit by my side and stop me from killing myself cause I can't trust myself..I just can't. But I don't have anyone.None. all my favorite people are gone. They're too far away. #BacII14/11/22
2025-08-14

JUST TELL ME

I deserve to be treated well. Why are you treating me like this? If you don’t wanna talk to me, just tell me. You don’t have to ignore and ghosting me like this. Texting with you is just like replying not talking. Why you made me feels like I’m begging you just to talk to me. If you’re lost interest, just TELL ME. Sorry for accidentally caught feelings for you, but I can’t help it.
2025-08-14

The truth is

The truth? I like you. A lot. More than I’ve like anyone for a long time. And to be honest , it kinda scares me. I don’t want to screw up what we have. Whatever it is and i’ve fallen pretty damn hard for you. I just hope whatever happens we don’t ruin what we had before and now. The truth? I love you.

2025-08-14

Lany - 13

29 Jan 2022, I saw her... It's been months since we last talked. A lot of things happened but memories of us still sculpted in my mind. I know that was solely my fault for pushing you so faraway that you and I have no idea how we could go back to the old us. It's ridiculous to say but despite my cold acts, I desperately want you to be mine although it's seemingly impossible. Being the third-wheel isn't my thing and me being a cheater would definitely out of the question. (Hey audiences, I know this sounds confusing. Lemme explain this, we both have our own partner) I don't know how to put this into word - the reasons why I chose to leave. However, I guess that was not a very bad decision I made, at least not to you. We both can focus on our own relationship. I'm so glad that you still can go on without my presence and be happy with your significant other and friends. You know what? I've been trying so hard to get you out of my mine. Countless attempts have passed, this time I admit that I failed... especially today. I was riding back home, listening to random songs on YouTube and thinking of you like I always do, and imagining how I would react and what I should say when we get to meet again... "the smell of you is way too much, not gonna put my heart through that... where did we go wrong? I know we started out alright" I was stunned. You were in front of me. Like 2m apart. You had your fav jacket on, the one that I tried to steal because you said your confidence dropped without this jacket. I saw some foods hanging on the hook which I thought that was for your mom because that's what you always did when we went back home after our unofficial date -- buying some foods home for your mama. I slowed down. My heart skipped a beat. That was unexpected, the person I'm thinking of and haven't talked to for months suddenly appeared in front of me, at the moment when our fav song played. I was stumbling, trying to figure out what I should do. Yet, nothing was done... Stupid, wasn't I? "Lately I've been someone and it ain't myself I'm spending all my time on somebody else I'm feeling all these feelings I don't understand You're the one good thing I ain't questioning Like ohh, if I knew that it would kill me I would still be there a thousand times over" This song came up next while I was secretly following her on her way back home. She rode too fast, without her helmet on (this girl is making me worried again). I really wanted to do something but I was not ready for this unexpected reunion. Finally, we seperated, not knowing when we'll officially meet again... même si je sais que je le regretterai plus tard. __________________ Hey, please take a good care of yourself. Untill we meet again. That time, I will be the one who comes to you first like when we first met :) though it might take some times, probably 2-3 years since I'll be going somewhere farway, but I promise I'll be back to pickup where we left off. Last but not least, be happy, even without me... and... I hope you think about me the way I think about you. And yes, it was enchanting to meet you :)

2025-08-14

Dear Lover/Third Person

We broke up a while ago, and I knew you with someone new. I knew that you had been in contact with them during our relationship. And, this is the act of cheating. Still, I couldn't bring myself to hate you, and I also took all the blame for myself even though you committed such an act to me. I always give you the benefit of the doubt. I know that you are still in love with me, then why you don't break up with them? Because they are treating you good right now? Oh yeah, you knew their past, they are well known as a cheater. I understand that they haven't done anything to you there is no point in breaking up with them. After knowing that fact, I am always worried about you. What if they did something bad to you? With all your problems are you able to handle the stress? We have been with one another for 2 and a half years, and I mean nothing to you? I always put you over myself. Yes, it is true in our relationship there is up and down. That is called a mature relationship it is not always fun. Dear Third Person, You should know what you had done. Karma is real, you have done that too many people. Your pretentious act will soon be exposed. You know a third person who stole someone else partner won't last long and I hope you understand that. Still many knew about you, yet you still acting the same. You ruined many people. Sheesh, What a person you are... You will receive your Karma.
2025-08-14

A broken child.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Even though it was very clear at a young age to me that mommy and daddy absolutely hated each other’s guts and only got married in the first place cause of my birth, they refused to divorce. “Staying together for the kids” is the absolute worst thing you can do to a child. Mom and dad, What did I do wrong?? my existence??? [newLine*]Personally, it effected my general self esteem and the way I formed and behaved in relationships for the rest of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD, (yess PTSD) as growing up in a house that was literally a battlefield. I always blaming myself for being existing. I thought my family was normal. It wasn’t until i turned 15 when I had friends whom I would go visit and then I started seeing something completely different. My friends had normal parents. Before that, I thought a dysfunctional family was normal. I still suffer from anxiety to this day and self-esteem. My problems are a constant fear of getting too close to people, including friends. As I grew older I became more quiet. It’s effected my relationships and friendships to a point where I end up pushing people away. I like being alone where there’s complete silence and nothing can bother me. I think I came to this point due to growing up in my parents house and constantly hearing them scream at each other, doors slamming. My self-esteem problems are mostly from being ignored and neglected through out my early life. My parents whose were never involved with anything of my childhood despite us living in the same household. The cause of their arguments has always been about me, and still is to this day. My dad came home from work and fighting with my mom because of me, it became worse with age. I feel embarrassed or ashamed to even talk about this with my close friends. My family was of the type that everything happened behind closed doors and out in public. If I had friends come over, they became entirely different people in front of my friends. They could actually act right and tolerate each other when they had company- (why the hell can’t you be normal like that all the time?) For this reason, I never opened up and told my friends what happened in our house cause I feared they’d never believe me. It wasn’t until my early adult years, I finally opened up and started telling my friends what really going on at home but some of them told me that no matter what it is, they’re still my parents and they loves me but they don't seem to loves me nor even care about my feelings except for their own. I always want to get away from them and living my life without them. Sometimes when I opened up about it not because I want empathy nor attention but I just need someone who listen to me, listen to me without judging me. Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate my friends and understand that they’re just trying their best to comfort me.

2025-08-14

Appreciate

"ការស្រលាញ់ដែរចេញពីចិត្ត គឺជាអារម្មណ៍នៃការផ្តល់អោយ ផ្តល់អោយដោយចេញពីចិត្តដោយមិនមានការទាមទារពីភាគគីម្ខាងទៀតទេ ដូចជាការគោរព ការទុក្ខចិត្ត ការបារម្ភ... " ទាំងនេះគឺជាពាក្យដែរខ្ងុំនិយាយប្រាប់ទៅ មនុស្សម្នាក់ដែរសួរខ្ងុំថា "what is love". ទោះបីជាពេលនេះពួកយើងលែងជាអ្វីនឹងគ្នា ប៉ុន្តែការផ្ដល់ឱ្យរបស់ខ្ញុំចំពោះអ្នកនៅតែមាន ខ្ញុំមិនដែលខឹង ស្អប់ រឺក៏គុំគួនអ្នកឡើយទោះបីជាអ្នកដៀលខ្ងុំតាមរយះ status share or story ដោយការយល់ច្រលំលើទង្វើរបស់ខ្ងុំក៏ដោយ. បើសួរនៅអាណិត ស្រលាញ់ទេ អារម្មណ៍នេះនៅតែមាន តែខ្ងុំមិនអាចបកក្រោយទេ ព្រោះចង់ឃើញអ្នកនៅជាមួយមនុស្សដែរល្អជាងខ្ងុំ ចំពោះខ្ងុំបានត្រឹមធ្វើជាសង្សារ និងបានលឺពាក្យថា I feel love when I'm with you and I never feel this with anyone before គឺគ្រប់គ្រាន់ហើយ. អ្នកប្រហែលជាគិតថាខ្ងុំអត់ដែរស្រលាញ់អ្នកទេបានជាខ្ងុំកាត់ចិត្តបានលឿនយ៉ាងនេះ ប៉ុន្តែផ្ទុយទៅវិញខ្ងុំគ្រាន់តែទទួលការពិតថាពួកយើងមិនអាចនៅជាមួយគ្នាបាន រួចទទួលយកការឈឺចាប់ទាំងអស់ ហើយក៏រំសាយម្តងបន្តិចៗតាមតែអាចធ្វើបាន បែបនេះហើយបានជាអារម្មណ៍របស់ខ្ងុំមិននៅជាប់ជុំពាក់នឹងអតីតកាល