Don't lose yourself.

Sometimes you really love a person eventho they have done bad things to you and Sometimes you've been holding on to it for so long that you forgot yourself. That you've lost the value of your worth, I know it struggling sometimes to hold on to something that you are trying so hard, But if it hurts you, you also have to let it go. There's no point of holding on to it, it will only eat you up and keep you insecure. I am a guy who's badly devastated by a few person who did the same thing to me over and over. I'm the one who is trying to hard to keep things like before, eventho i know so damn well that it's not gonna work out for both of us. Coming home from work getting to talk to your favorite person, yet that person doesn't seem to care at all, cold replies, short text, late replies. I kept convincing myself that it's probably just one of her bad day. But that's when i realized that bad days doesn't goes on for 4 months straight. I tried talking about it, one week, ONE WEEK, everything is back to square one, cold replies, short text, late replies. That's when i started asking myself "What am i holding on for?", "Was it love?", "Was it that i've stayed with that person for so long that i can't live without them?", "Was it the time we spent together that i don't wanna let it all goes to waste?", "Was it to the point that staying with that person is apart of my habit?". Those are all the questions that keeps popping in my head. I've lost pieces of myself staying with that person without realizing it until it was too late for me and now I'm lost, i couldn't find myself anymore. I've lost myself trying to be with you.

Feeling bottled up?

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2025-08-14

Old notes

I felt inspired by watching the rain through my bedroom’s window with my light off. What if the rain were just like us human when crying? Those droplets were just like our tears. Those rumbled thunder was just like us yelling out for help, and those lighting strikes were like us trying to hurt ourselves. It would be unfair if so. Instead of having friends staying besides to comfort like human, the rain doesn’t. Even worse, people would just run away as fast as they can just to avoid it; they get scared, cover their ears even eyes, and curse when they see or hear it thundering. I am one of them too. I get scared and cover my ears when hearing ones. But now, by sitting in my room and considering it, I feel sorry for it. Imagine having no one to turn to or understand you when you need them, and that’s how the sky feels right now. It has been hiding its pain for so long that it couldn’t hold it back anymore, so it had to let it out by pouring rain on us, hopelessly crying and asking for help. That’s why I sit here in my room looking at you and admire you from afar without you noticing or even knowing that I exist. You are doing a great job. Yes! Let it all out; however, I can’t assure you that there won’t be any day like this again, but one step at a time. Remember all those days that the sun was burning all of the creatures on earth while you were their savior? You gave us rain, shades, and good days to us. We are grateful for that. You know what? Without you raining (crying and getting things out of your chest), the presence of rainbow means nothing at all. Therefore, look at those good things you have done for us to keep you going. #sciencefailed

2025-08-14

Suicidal thoughts

ខ្ញុំមានអាយុ២១ឆ្នាំភេទប្រុសជានិស្សិតរៀន២ជំនាញផ្សេងគ្នា។កំឡុងពេលcovid ខ្ញុំបានទៅរៀននៅស្រុកវិញតាមរយៈonline class អស់រយៈពេល៨ខែមកដល់ពេលនេះ រយៈពេលចុងក្រោយនេះខ្ញុំ ក៏ចាប់ផ្តើមមានបញ្ហាផ្លូវចិត្តចង់សម្លាប់ខ្លួន ដោយសារបញ្ហាគ្រួសារមួយចំនួនធំ។ ខ្ញុំជាកូនពៅ ក្នុងគ្រួសារដែលបងៗគាត់មានការងាររៀងៗខ្លួន ប៉ុន្តែខ្ញុំជានិស្សិតដែលកំពុងសិក្សាត្រូវការប្រាក់ពីការផ្គត់ផ្គង់ពីគ្រួសារ ដែលជាបន្ទុកដ៏ធំមួយ ឲប៉ាម៉ាក់គាត់ខំធ្វើការធ្ងន់ ឡើងយប់ ធ្វើទាំងយប់ទាំងថ្ងៃ សម្រាក់មិនគ្រប់គ្រាន់ មកដល់ពេលពួកគាត់ប្រកបមុខរបរនេះ២១ឆ្នាំ ហើយ។ពួកគាត់ប្រាប់ខ្ញុំថា គាត់ចាស់ហើយ គាត់ហត់ គាត់ឈឺ មានជំងឺប្រចាំកាយទាំងពីរនាក់ គាត់ទ្រាំណាស់ដើម្បីខ្ញុំ។ ១សប្តាហ៏មុនម៉ាក់គាត់ឈឺ គាត់ទៅពេទ្យ គាត់ថា អាញ់ធ្វើទាំងឈឺដើម្បីហែង រៀនសូត្របើ ហែង ប្រលងគ្រូជាប់ ឬការងាររាជការណាជាប់ អាញ់ឈប់ធ្វើហើយ។គោលបំណងក្នុងចិត្តខ្ញុំចង់ធ្វើការងារដែលខ្ញុំកំពុងសិក្សា តួយ៉ាងខ្ញុំឆ្នាំនេះរៀនឆ្នាំទី៤ហើយ ប៉ុន្តែខ្ញុំមិនទាន់មានការងារធ្វើទេ ដោយសារខ្ញុំរៀន២ជំនាញពេញម៉ោង ដូច្នេះខ្ញុំក៏សម្រេចចិត្តមកផ្ទះរៀនonline ផង ជួយការងារផ្ទះនិងជួយលក់នំម៉ាក់ ខ្ញុំធ្វើការខ្ញុំអាណិតពួកគាត់ណាស់ធ្វើទាំងឈឺ ខ្ញុំពិបាកកាយខ្ញុំទ្រាំបាន ប៉ុន្តែពិបាកចិត្តដែល ឃើញពួកគាត់ខំដើម្បីយើង ខ្ញុំបានបន្ទោសខ្លួនឯង បើសិនអត់ខ្ញុំ ប្រហែលពួកគាត់មិនលំបាកទេ។ នៅពេលដែលខ្ញុំនៅផ្ទះខ្ញុំមានអារម្មណ៍ថា មិនមានសុវត្ថិភាពភ័យខ្លាច ស្ត្រេស ម៉ួម៉ៅ អារម្មណ៍ខ្ញុំបានផ្លាស់រហូតមិនទៀង។មកដល់ពេលនេះខ្ញុំចង់ឲសកលវិទ្យាល័យដែលខ្ញុំកំពុងរៀនបើកឡើងវិញ ដើម្បីខ្ញុំបានទៅភ្នំពេញរៀនវិញ ខ្ញុំអាចនឹង មិនមានបញ្ហាសតិអារម្មណ៍មួយនេះ។ ជារួមមក ខ្ញុំនៅតែមានអារម្មណ៍ម្តងម្កាលថាចង់សម្លាប់ខ្លួន ពាក្យនេះកើតឡើងនៅពេលខ្ញុំឃើញពួកគាត់លំបាកដោយសារខ្ញុំ។ នៅពេលដែលខ្ញុំចង់សម្លាប់ខ្លួន ខ្ញុំតែងតែគិតឃើញថា ខ្ញុំមិនទាន់បានសងគុណគាត់ មិនទាន់មានភាពជោគជ័យជូនគាត់ ពាក្យទាំងនេះធ្វើឲខ្ញុំរឹងមាំបាន១កម្រិតទៀត។ មួយរយៈមកនេះខ្ញុំមានបញ្ហាគ្រួសារស្ទើរតែរាល់ថ្ងៃ ដែលធ្វើអោយខ្ញុំប៉ះពាល់ផ្លូវចិត្ត ខ្ញុំរៀនមិនចូល ចិត្តចង់តែទៅធ្វើការយកប្រាក់ជូនគាត់ហើយ អោយគាត់សម្រាក់។ ពួកគាត់រអ៊ូររាល់ថ្ងៃ ថាហត់ ឈឺ ពាក្យនាវាប៉ះពាល់ខ្ញុំណាស់ ដែលអោយគាត់លំបាកដោយសារខ្ញុំ។ ខ្ញុំពិបាកទ្រាំណាស់មិនដឹងទ្រាំដល់៣-៤ខែទៀតដល់សាលាខ្ញុំរៀនចប់អត់ទេ ពេលខ្ញុំរៀនចប់ខ្ញុំនឹងបានធ្វើការ នឹងឈប់ចាយលុយពួកគាត់។ តែពេលនេះជីវិតខ្ញុំអស់សង្ឃឹមណាស់ បញ្ហាផ្លូវចិត្តវាខ្លាំង។ ជាចុងក្រោយសង្ឃឹមថា ខ្ញុំនឹងឈ្នះជំងឺផ្លូវចិត្តមួយនេះបាន ដើម្បីបន្លប់ការនឹកឃើញវាខ្ញុំតែងតែធ្វើការផ្ទះ និងជួយលក់នំពួកគាត់ដែលធ្វើខ្លួនឲរវល់ដើម្បីបំភ្លេចជំងឺមួយនេះ។ Thank u admin for approving

2025-08-14

Where I stand

Day by day, I started to know where I stand in everyone’s life. I’m that friend who is there when they need something. I’m that daughter who is responsible for every big and little things inside and outside the household. I’m that granddaughter who is just a female. I’m that sister who doesn’t deserve the respect. I’m that niece who got compared with the cousins’ parents and got hated by my own cousins. I’m that girlfriend who loves too much and also being a little too much that sometimes it suffocates him. Every eyes and words that look and say to me, make me feel small worthless. Whenever i try to explain what happen and both me, I got shouted back, not listening to me, first they comfort and still act the same. It’s hard coming home everyday and get the cold look from everyone and no one in the house actually talking to you. I have to repeat myself over 3 times to get the answer or someone attention. The only time I get someone to care enough for my well-being or existence is when I commit suicide.

2025-08-14

Why mom?

Why mom? Why do you have to make me feel this way? What have I ever done so wrong? You know, it is very hurtful and very tormenting when you, my mother, care so little of me. Why is it that when my younger brother got a minor cold, you would rush me to buy him medicine, to take care of him, and so on, but when I got tested positive of covid-19 because I have to go to work, you didn't even seem to care about it as a matter a fact, you didn't even want to buy me covid med, you told me I don't need covid med and just take normal coughing med, you thought paracetamol is enough? Just why do I have to feel all this unfairness? Should I just do you and everyone a favor and just take as much paracetamol as I can and just die? Would that have been better for everyone?

2025-08-14

Just want to be your friend again …

First of all I’d like to say that it’s been long time that we don’t talk to each other but I still can’t get you out of my mind . I met a lot of people but nobody feels like you . I want to move on and forget you but it doesn’t work . I knew we just friends but I feel so safe when I’m with you . I crush on him almost 3years but never confess. He always treats me like he have feeling for me . since I knew that I like him more than friend Im just trying to distance myself because I know I can’t lose you .Sadly I’ve made all the wrong decision. From now on I still wanna be with you but I know it won’t work . So, I want you to be happy that’s it .

2025-08-14

when to give up on someone?

i think i can’t tell my whole story… i did tried my best to make everything better but seem like it’s doesn’t work

2025-08-14

My life was a mess ~

My life has been the whole mess until I met you. I’m so happy that I’m having you to stop me from giving up on my life. I was happy to continue my goal and pursue my higher degree. Then you suddenly left me hanging there while you already knew you’re the only person I go to whenever I have problems. You start talking to someone else while I can’t move on from you. I start to be unproductive at work. I lost my motivation to study. I no longer have any appetite. I mess up my sleeping schedule again. I start taking more and more medicine. I can’t do anything right. I can’t get my mind right on the track. I can no longer focus while riding or driving. I’m completely losing myself cuz I’ve been giving all myself to you and my feeling is depending on you. My life become miserable again. Whenever everyone ask what happened, I can’t answer, I can’t tell them what happened to me. Just mentioning I’m stressing out abt my work, while in fact I still want you back even though I know you don’t want to and already having someone new.

2025-08-14

Old me VS New me

It hurts right? Turning from the happy, joyful and socialize person to the one who try to hide and isolate himself from everyone. I kept having mental breakdown when I’m alone in the dark room. Hope it gets better soon.