I really miss you and It doesn’t matter how long I have to wait for you 3 months,5 months 1 year, 3 years it doesn’t matter. I want the dream that both of us dreamt of come true. I know everything seems cloudy for the both of us… But remember everything is going to be fine…. Until we meet again…
it breaks my heart when it looked to me as if everything was going very well between us but then you turned on me. You stopped giving back the same energy, i no longer see the effort from you. It breaks me to pieces when the you i used to know began treating me like shit then you try to explain yourself through your millions of excuses.
Faking your care toward someone is the cruelest thing you can do.
I’ve seen a lot of post about suicidal thought and people trying to commit the act. I just want to tell those of you who are struggling out there that “it’s alright”. It’s alright, I’ve been through this before as well. Although I’ve never been that suicidal, the thought of “if my life ends, then many problems and burdens will be solved” did cross my mind. It takes a lot of willpower and strength to get through this phase as I would shut myself inside my room all day and night and on social media during my high school years. There were times I was upset with my parents, of them blaming me, and scolding me for various mundane things that happen in our everyday life. However, I want to tell you that it’s alright to run to your parents and hug them with all you have, they would not mind it even if you guys are currently in an argument. It’s alright to tell your friends and others “I cannot do this anymore. I’m tired and wanna be left alone”. It’s alright to feel overwhelmed and go through this phase, I believe we have gone through this teenage and young adult phase at least once in our lives. I am not telling you that suicide is wrong and you shouldn’t do it, I am trying to say that it should be your very last option. Wallow in your tears, your sadness, your stress, your burdens, your self-pity all you want. Most people blame themselves for not being good enough rather than actually addressing their fears and inhibitions. Perhaps it is easier to ignore all that is happening around you. I am not entertaining nor romanticizing suicidal thought, but if you still cannot find a better option or a better way to live your life, then it is alright to end it.
MY FLAWS. I thought we were supposed to talk about our problems and solve them together. You told me how you don't like me doing shitposting, being shady about you. I stopped. I didn't know it would bother you that much. All those shitposting and shady posts aren't about you, I swear. I know those are not reasons and I was right. It was my attitude. I thought you would talk it out but you didn't, you chose to leave me while I'm still in love with you. I didn't know I have such an attitude to make you lose feelings for me, if so I'm sorry. I was not pressuring you, I never ever or even think about making you love me the way I want. Maybe my actions or how I talk seem like that but I'm not that type of person. I told you I'm an attention seeker. Of course I always try to seek attention from the guy that I love, the guy that I prioritized first, the guy that I would do anything for and it's you but I know what is right and what is wrong. Who knows you got the wrong idea about me. I'm not trying to act like a victim here and I was never one. I'm just trying to tell you about what I wanted to say and how I felt.
I think the dep hits me again. I noticed by when my heartbeat started to go fast, sometimes I feel suffocated, I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t concentrate, my hands get shaky, my body feel weak, I got lost of interest in making any decisions, my weight started to lost again. I hate to fall into the conditions but I couldn’t help. I tried asking for help but it doesn’t work, it only makes me feel like I’m different, especially when they try to be too careful with me (it looks to fake, I could see it) It is amazing how my mood changes too quickly, I was just laughing and talking a lot yesterday, but today everything become a sorrow story again. I used to think of getting a therapist, asking an expert on my conditions, but the fact that I was under control by my family and that I couldn’t ride or drive any transportation method at all, make me feel even more bad and useless. I also used to think about reaching them via email or phone calls, but I was too scared, it was too hard for me to make myself do it, so I decided I gave up seeking for mental specialist. I chose to be healed by my own. (I really did heal myself but there was a lot of time the demon hits me back and forth, sometimes I feel really happy and the next minutes I feel like k*lling myself) I don’t know what else should I do. Are there anyone who will be the light for me?
It was not right how I thought I could control my feelings since I was traumatized by how I was treated... It was not right how I thought my emotions could be detached if I belived so... It was not right how you just became a part of me, my emotion, my life without me knowing... It was not right how it could affect me this much just by not getting your text... I mean since when have you become this important to me? For some reasons, I think we have the mutual feelings, but it is just not right for us to be together because we are traumatized by our experiences, is it? Or has it been one-sided? I just feel confused and I fear that it would take too much time to move on... becuase you are always on my mind now. Us being able to talk again or not, I am not sure. What I am sure is that talking to you was one best experience. I enjoy it and I hope you feel the same. :)
he left at a time where i was still deeply in love with him. he silently left me without a word. he left without explaining. all my texts were unanswered and all my calls were never picked up. gosh, it hurts to be ignored. its been 3 long months and i’m still attached to him. no words could describe the damaged my heart felt. i felt betrayed i would’ve never treated him like that. i couldn’t wrap my head around why he left me the way he did. some nights, i would cry because i missed him so much. i can still see his smile , still hear his voice, still feel his warmth and still remember his words… i’m gonna wait and pray that maybe one day he’ll return back to me. i still have hope because i still love him.
“The World IS Just Awesome” sentence on his t shirt