Feeling and reason are at war...

It was not right how I thought I could control my feelings since I was traumatized by how I was treated... It was not right how I thought my emotions could be detached if I belived so... It was not right how you just became a part of me, my emotion, my life without me knowing... It was not right how it could affect me this much just by not getting your text... I mean since when have you become this important to me? For some reasons, I think we have the mutual feelings, but it is just not right for us to be together because we are traumatized by our experiences, is it? Or has it been one-sided? I just feel confused and I fear that it would take too much time to move on... becuase you are always on my mind now. Us being able to talk again or not, I am not sure. What I am sure is that talking to you was one best experience. I enjoy it and I hope you feel the same. :)

Feeling bottled up?

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I don't think I'm winning this life battle anymore!

Normal ppl don't know what it feels like to wake up everyday and wish I'm not alive. I hate waking up, I hate living, I hate being sad everyday. I'm tired of trying, sick of crying. I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying. Behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind my laugh I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you'll see, the girl I am, it isn't me. I hate seeing everything blooming around me while I'm here still withering into nothingness, I feel like I'm already dead so what difference would it make. Sometimes I just wish I was dead, I wouldn't have to wake up everyday with regret. I wouldn't have to hate myself more than I already do. But most importantly I wouldn't have to feel pain anymore. I'm hiding what I'm feeling but I'm tired of holding this inside my head. I'm not feeling anything, I'm completely empty right now, it's making me depressed. When you're depressed you don't control your thoughts, your thoughts control you. I wish some ppl would understand this, especially my parent. Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore. I'm sorry for being like this. I'm sorry for being such a failure.

Love and Trauma

"Why did we break up?" It has been exactly 49 days since the day you told me that you feel off and you cannot continue this. I've been questioning myself and there were a lot of question marks in my head. Back then to day one, you told me I was your everything and your life would be hell without me. I told you that my previous relationship gave me a lot of traumas and I was scared to start a new relationship because once I love you, I commit and put 100% feeling and effort into it. You promise and you were being vulnerable to me. I decided to trust you and love you wholeheartedly. Our relationship was so pure, lovely, cute, happy until the very last day. The day that another part of me collapse. The day that every promise is broken. The day that you gave up on me. How could we suddenly break up? You gave me the love that make me feel everything then suddenly it dropped to 0. It is sting no matter how much many times I am trying to apply the medicine. It's difficult to picture it without that person because we were having a dream together and I already pictured you everywhere with me. I can't help but think about you in the middle of the night. I can't help but fantasize about a time when everything was fine. Again, I am living in a trauma that haunt me every single day. A trauma that told me that I would never be enough for someone even I keep hearing you deserve better but deep inside me told me that "IF I AM ENOUGH, HE WOULD NOT GIVE UP ON ME." Thank you for giving me love that I always want to feel but never want to leave. It gave me pain, trauma, and fear but I am glad that we come across each other in this lifetime. We broke up but "Once upon the time, my heart was yours." I love you, a_y

I AM NOT OKAY

I thought I’m healed but actually I’m still crying when you pop up in my head. I really miss you, I miss your voice and I miss our late night conversation so bad. I still remember how excited I am when I first met you and still having butterflies feeling when we met. Even we ain’t couple but I love telling you about how my day went but now I have no idea who to share my stories with. It’s crazy when all the things you do to me were so meaningful to me. But I give up now because I know you and her are still in relationship. I AM NOT OKAY.

🧩

I find it funny considering that I always understood your needs but you never tried to understand mine. How does asking about something I wanted to know make me toxic? your words hurt me so much to the point I feel numbed already. Everyday I just feel like this piece of puzzle you just used to complete your needs. If you love according to your mood, then don’t. I deserve better.

notice me senpai

The person I have a crush on is also an audience of this page. I’m hoping he’ll read this. I've liked him for quite a while now. I react to his posts here and then, but we never actually talk, so I couldn’t come forward with my feelings toward him. There’s no such thing as waiting for the guy to text first, and I’m not scared to reach him, but there’s no opportunity for it at all, and I’m guessing it wasn’t meant to be, but the other me thought that how could I know if I hadn’t tried? By the way, this guy is my type, so I guess he’s worth my time siming over him. This is so frustrating and I hope no one else can relate to this because it is giving me headaches and starting to drive me crazy now.

Im still in love with her

since we broke up, i have always missed her no matter whose im with. i used to be so happy that we broke up but i guess not anymore when i see her with someone new, we have been broken up for more than 2 years but i still can't forget her. Can somebody tell me what's wrong with me ?

IT'S A MATCH!

IT'S A MATCH! Things escalated and we were now getting to know each other on our personal socials. I am a person who wasn't really looking forward to other people's messages before. With her, things were different.. She would often send me posts related to cute things that couple do. It was so cute, I swear. I was really looking forward to our first date together. At other times, she would send me posts about insecurity, loneliness.. etc She mentioned she was insecure and have a fear of her loved ones leaving her. It makes me want to care for her, shelter her.. It felt like I began to really fall for her, as I was really excited whenever we talk or text. A few weeks has passed since our first encounter, her replies started to take a longer time than usual. I was curious as she said she is done with Tinder in one of our calls before. So I went back on the app with an anonymous profile this time.. and to my surprise, I managed to match with her again. There she is, with her cute，flirty replies.. I felt a little jealous.. It felt like we had chemistry, but you started to drift slowly apart from me. Things were really going south for us. I questioned your late responses and you replied with having no time for a relationship. I guess, that's a fair answer. All the best from me, kon kmeng. #K

My favorite songs

We left your house around 5pm. The sky started to rain. It's our first time riding a motorbike in the rain together. I wore your white hoodie hugging you from behind under the heavy rain. It was one of the best feelings ever. I would get emotional while staying under the rain but staying with you made me forget all those traumas. “I love you” you said it under the rain. I love it. I wish this moment would last longer. We went on Spotify and listened to heavy metal music because it's your fav genre but I skipped rock music. It was Bad Romance by Lady Gaga. We sang along. The next song was Good 4 U by Olivia Rodrigo. These two are my favorites. Little did I know, my story became exactly like my favorite songs. You gave up on me. I don't wanna lose you, never.