I don't think I'm winning this life battle anymore!

Normal ppl don't know what it feels like to wake up everyday and wish I'm not alive. I hate waking up, I hate living, I hate being sad everyday. I'm tired of trying, sick of crying. I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying. Behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind my laugh I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you'll see, the girl I am, it isn't me. I hate seeing everything blooming around me while I'm here still withering into nothingness, I feel like I'm already dead so what difference would it make. Sometimes I just wish I was dead, I wouldn't have to wake up everyday with regret. I wouldn't have to hate myself more than I already do. But most importantly I wouldn't have to feel pain anymore. I'm hiding what I'm feeling but I'm tired of holding this inside my head. I'm not feeling anything, I'm completely empty right now, it's making me depressed. When you're depressed you don't control your thoughts, your thoughts control you. I wish some ppl would understand this, especially my parent. Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore. I'm sorry for being like this. I'm sorry for being such a failure.

Feeling bottled up?

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2025-08-14

My love is like sea and lake don't mix

So I started high school, and for the first year I felt like a total outsider. But then I met some amazing people who made me happier than I had ever been. We all became super tight in that first year, and I managed to win over one of them to the point where she fell for me. But here's the thing: I'm gay. I didn't want to fake anything, so I had to end it. It was done in two weeks, and both of us were hurt. I know it's not as tragic as some of the other stories out there, and she has definitely moved on by now, but what kills me is that I lost one of my best friends. It was tough because we were part of a big group of friends, so we kept seeing each other throughout the rest of high school. To make it even more complicated, our moms became besties. And every time we saw each other, there was this awkward invisible wall between us. I acted like I didn't care, and she didn't seem to either, but for some reason I just can't let go. Even though I'm gay, I still think I could have been in love with her. In fact, I think I still am. We crossed paths again at a New Year's party. We exchanged a few meaningless words at the start, but even after we got pretty drunk, nothing happened. I keep having dreams about her since then, where we're friends again and we're just hanging out with other people. It's such a warm and comforting feeling. But I know it's something that I won't ever get to experience again for real.

2025-08-14

"best thing"

I dont know how it started and why it turn out this way. I wanna keep you at any cost even as the closest friend but it seems like I could never be enough for anyone. I dont want you to call me "best friend" since the last time someone called me best and all they do is ghosted me and I dont think u want me to be ur best friend too. I dont even have a chance to ask what is going wrong since I respect their space but you know deep down inside I wonder about all those memories, all the hardest times I have faced and shared with you, is it real. I dont know but I feel ache every time ppl say I was the best thing that happened to them, did they really mean it or just bc I was there for them whenever they needed me. I miss every game we used to play, meme we used to share, chessboard when u ask me to play chess. I could not listen to our fav song anymore, could not open up to anyone anymore. I wonder is it for character development since I never dare to go out of my comfort zone,u know how hard it is to go out and make a new friend at this age. no one pay attention when i say words only you pay those small things. can we just go back to those old times?

2025-08-14

First and last

#firstandlastpt1 Everything start from me, it was my fault that fall in love with him. It was me who start to message him first everytime and he really friendly that make me feel he has feeling for me too. I spent 3 year to know his information and start to message him in 2019.I don't except he really talkative in message and I have good memories with each other since 2019-2020. As a girl who never had experience in love, I was so brave to proposal to him first and he reject me and said sorry. It's hurt me alot but I pretend to be okay and text him we still can be cousin like before. After that moment, I only text him whenever it's related to family issues. Someday I really miss how funny conversation I had with him even I start it first. 2021 I start to move on because I learn some advice through the book , listen to music and start to working outside cause I was a junior now. It's really work for me, I'm happy with book and my friend, we go out and had fun time and I thought I'm not into him fr. But in 2022 March, He start to message me first and I start to ignore but after 2 day ago, he talk about his family issues related to me. I decided to reply short message and he ask me to join his sister's wedding. I said yes cause we're cousin and live next to each other now. But....he make me disappointed in him again. I'll update next part πŸ”œ

2025-08-14

Should I leave?

I read #KJ0470, and I kinda feel related. Yes, from the first time I know her and her past, I always want to treat her better. I want to make her feel luck in her life. I want to make her feel loved, because she deserves all the love. But lately, I feel bad about myself. I made mistake, I made her cry and disappointed. I feel like I can't be the one for her, I'm not good enough to take care of her. At least once a day, I think about breaking up so she can find someone better. But If I leave her while she's still in love with me, I will be the one who hurt her, just again like all her exes. I don't want to be the one who hurt her, but I also don't want to stuck her door, because deep inside I know I'm so incapable, too bad to deserve her love. I do need your advice.

2025-08-14

4 years as a friends.

I know we can’t never be more than friends.But I still can’t cut myself off from you.I know you can’t love me as I love you.I know you are a good friend.you are a person.who always listens to all my stories.Always encourage everyone.you are the one who always shares your fun with everyone. And you are the only one I love, you and you are my friend.It’s not wrong to love someone, but it’s wrong to love someone you should not love.Sorry for always bothering you.I will try. Thanks for help me all everything.I wish you. #Dear Phalla

2025-08-14

I’m not the one for her!

I have known her for almost a year who has a good attitude, strong and similar vibe to me. Recently there’s something in me told me that I’m not the one for her, I’m not good enough for her, i can’t take care of her for the rest of my life. Her last relationship hurt her so bad, but I was there to help her from day one. I don’t trust myself that I can go through all this things, I don’t want to see her in that kind of situation anymore, I don’t want her to lose herself again. But at the same time, there’s some part in me tell me she’s the person you have been looking for for a long time, she’s your type, she’s the girl you want to take care of. And now I don’t know what to do. It’s really hard for me

2025-08-14

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2025-08-14

Double Standard !

I got one question been wondering long time. if a man happens to be with another girl after a few month of his break up. Some people would call him " He must be a cheater, blah blah" but, if a woman happens to be with with another man after a few month of her break up. Some people would think " Finally she found her right ones..... " My questions is "Why? no matter what we do we always turn out to be a bad part ?" i just don't understand - that's all. #ZVI