"best thing"

I dont know how it started and why it turn out this way. I wanna keep you at any cost even as the closest friend but it seems like I could never be enough for anyone. I dont want you to call me "best friend" since the last time someone called me best and all they do is ghosted me and I dont think u want me to be ur best friend too. I dont even have a chance to ask what is going wrong since I respect their space but you know deep down inside I wonder about all those memories, all the hardest times I have faced and shared with you, is it real. I dont know but I feel ache every time ppl say I was the best thing that happened to them, did they really mean it or just bc I was there for them whenever they needed me. I miss every game we used to play, meme we used to share, chessboard when u ask me to play chess. I could not listen to our fav song anymore, could not open up to anyone anymore. I wonder is it for character development since I never dare to go out of my comfort zone,u know how hard it is to go out and make a new friend at this age. no one pay attention when i say words only you pay those small things. can we just go back to those old times?

Feeling bottled up?

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To the guy I love most, Sophea.

YOU FELL OUT OF LOVE when I am still in love with you, I became a one sided love without realizing. Remember the last time you said you love me? It's been too long since I last heard your voice. I miss that. You said you were gonna call me after you finished your work but you never did, till now. Still waiting for your texts like how I used to. I'm not blaming you. You said you were gonna take me to a burger shop ( I stopped eating burgers since I thought I would have it with you, screw me), when you finished all the work, drinking our favorite milk tea, going out for dinner. I know you were still in love with me during that time but I didn't realize that I would become a burden after time passed. My notifications didn't make you feel better, you ignored me. My presence doesn't make you feel excited, you don't wanna talk to me. Everytime I ask, it annoys you. You could clear off your schedules but you didn't because you thought I would ask you to spend time with me and it annoyed you or maybe not because I was never really on your mind or I was just nobody. Sorry, I have no idea what made you become like this.

Distance is what we need now.

You said distance is what we need now.

Undeserved of Love

I was made to believe. I underserved of love - both from others and myself. 22 and never date not even once. I never understand the feeling of having another human soul connected to me cause whenever I feel good with someone, a part of me always whisper to my ear “you pieces of shit and don’t deserve anybody’s love. How can a loser fall in love? Don’t you ever see urself in the mirror? How ugly u are? How dump u are? How helpless u are?” These questions always keep repeating day and night until now I started to believe I underserved of love both from others and myself. :)

Empty Bin

I think I’ve built a very convenient Persona for myself to get by this world. Everywhere I go, Every group of people, or everyone that I met, I know what they see me but not in me, they find I’m a very polite, friendly, good manner person. I know this, because that is all my persona shows them. But their instincts would tell them to be care to approach me with their good intentions, maybe it’s a friendship or love. Their instincts would tell them, I’m not just they see, there are something more beneath that. And it’s right, I’m hiding myself under this forged amour because I can’t be who I actually want to be. How I was treat from a very young age had traumatized me to be myself. I’ve lived my life forged with lies that I tell myself, that now it makes me terrified to unfold the truth. Now at the end of everyday, I feel so empty, like an empty void that can’t never be filled. I named this “empty bin”, because that’s just how I am, loud but empty. I’m tired of this life. Even though I know life is pain and suffering, but how I still couldn’t get used to if? And it’s even more tragic if you live a life with full of self-deception. lately, all I could think of is, how to die and leave no pain to everyone around me. “How should this empty bin should leave?…”

mon trésor

Maybe one day we’ll walk past each other with nothing between us. Maybe one day we’re gonna have our own families. Maybe one day i’ll look back and reminisce our memories while crying. I’m not ready to do that, I don’t think I’ll ever be

New peace, new problem

At times, people mention how time heals, and I used to wonder how easily they could say that without understanding what I was going through. My problems felt small in the grand scheme of the universe, yet they were enormous in my miniature world. Despite this, I pressed on, with an inner longing to experience the beauty and terror of life. It's remarkable how unpredictable our futures can be. The me from last year would never have imagined the life I am having today. I've found peace within myself and with those around me, but as things improve, new problems arise to occupy my thoughts. I remind myself not to let these concerns disrupt my newfound peace, knowing that when I look back on my current self a year from now, these little details will likely be forgotten. So, yes, time does indeed have a healing effect even if it doesn’t look like it would help.

Right person But not the right time

To the person i have met since 2016 Idk how to describe my feeling right now. You know what you always stuck in my head and heart even when you're gone. What i want to say and ask: - It’s my fault that i rejected you ( At that time , i think be friend is more forever than relationship even i have feelings for you) - I regretted about my decision - I always here for you no matter what and keep waiting you @ Am I your stranger now? Can you guys help me by sharing this post? I really want him to see it. _seeing you happy is already my happiness_

To my beloved BF

To my beloved bf Please always rmb I always love you but there are many things that I must handle on my own. I know we are one and we must get thru things together but this time it is too much. So let me suffering alone. I don’t want you to feel bad and need to get into these problems too. I love you always and still. I hope you are always doing good and I will be there always seeing you getting what you want. I can’t wait to see you success and it would be the day I feel happy the most. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me so far. I can tell you are perfect for me.But let’s do this, let’s me handle my problem first without bothering you. ily💕