My impossible crush

It sounds stupid of me but I still want to share it. First of all, i dint know that he had a gf, and I dint mean to like him as well. But he always tried to be close to me. I didn’t know when I started to like him. From day to day, I liked him more and more. One day I got to know that he already had a gf. Yeahh!!! I was shocked when I first heard. Yet, I couldn’t stop this feeling even I know it’s a Kama to love s.one else’s bf. You know, he acted like my bf. Always called me even he had nothing to say, made a video call to show me what he was doing, teased me, helped me with a little thing and etc…He even showed me of his younger pictures and his family members. At that time, I felt like I was in a relationship. I knew that it was impossible to go further but you know I just went with the flow even I knew it would hurt me but I still wanted it. I admit that I was selfish cuz sometimes I also wanted him and his gf break up and I always thought he would choose me over his gf. Unfortunately, he disappeared without noticed. Since then, we had no longer contacted to each other for almost two years now. Since we hadn’t followed each other on social media, so now I don’t know anything about him. If this message is happened on his new feed, I hope he would notice it. And I want to confess my feeling for him right now that I still have feeling for you but I don’t expect anything from you. I just want to show my feeling. That’s all from me. And lastly, I just wonder did u have any feeling for me a little bit?

Feeling bottled up?

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Where I stand

Day by day, I started to know where I stand in everyone’s life. I’m that friend who is there when they need something. I’m that daughter who is responsible for every big and little things inside and outside the household. I’m that granddaughter who is just a female. I’m that sister who doesn’t deserve the respect. I’m that niece who got compared with the cousins’ parents and got hated by my own cousins. I’m that girlfriend who loves too much and also being a little too much that sometimes it suffocates him. Every eyes and words that look and say to me, make me feel small worthless. Whenever i try to explain what happen and both me, I got shouted back, not listening to me, first they comfort and still act the same. It’s hard coming home everyday and get the cold look from everyone and no one in the house actually talking to you. I have to repeat myself over 3 times to get the answer or someone attention. The only time I get someone to care enough for my well-being or existence is when I commit suicide.

Right person BUT not the right time

Idk how to describe my feeling right now. You know what you always stuck in my head and heart even when you're gone. What i want to say and ask: - It’s my fault that i rejected you ( At that time , i think be friend is more forever than relationship even i have feelings for you) - I regretted about my decision - I always here for you no matter what and keep waiting you @ Am I your stranger now? Can you guys help me by sharing this post? I really want him to see it. _Seeing you happy is already my happiness_

I thought I was special to you. I'm such an idiot :)

"You deserve to be treated like the way you treated me. I'm sorry I can't treat you like that."

Waiting…

We broke up and you found someone new. It was a dark time for the two of us. I got my problem and you got yours. Yes, we start spending less time together because life keep throwing us lemon and make everything sour between us. Deep down in my heart, I still love you, I still miss everyplaces we went together, drink, eat … The parking spot that i park my car and we shared about problems… I missed all of that. Now that you left, I try to avoid all the places that we been to together… every time i when there, in my head, I saw shadows of your and flashbacks of you every details your orders, your favorite drinks… it hurt me.

Always wish you from here

Sorry for wasting your time and making your life miserable I wouldn’t do that if I could. I won’t stay longer than this and I am not sure how it would be, how it goes.. and of course I will miss you, I'm terrified of losing you, I really can't image my life , my body without you in it..., but I know that it’s time for both of us to move on, maybe to see who we are, what we’re trying to do , what we really need.. or maybe someday we will start over again!! I remember what you told me, if we mean to be.. it will be and it’s absolutely happen.. I don’t want to try this way, but I have no more rights to ask you to stay , to choose me, to not break this relationship up anymore.. When you are happy, I will be happy too.. Please always taking care of yourself.. Eat more, hard work, grow up and take a good rest, enjoy your day as always… stay healthy, and do whatever you want to… Cheer !!!

How to say ''no''?

Sometimes it becomes pressure for me that I always need to say ''Yes'' to everything that my friends ask for. It's doesn't mean that I don't want to help them or whatever, but I feel really bad about it. They keep wanting me do whatever they want, I mean if they want that I HAVE TO do that for them, they always want me to do like that all the time, even I say ''I can't''. On the other hand, I still cannot say ''NO'' to them as well, whenever I say ''NO'' to them I always feel wrong but at the same time I feel pressure as well. I feel like sometimes they don't respect my decision. I swear I want to be a selfish person sometimes, I don't want to be a tool for anyone that can be using all the time like that, but I don't know HOW TO SAY NO. Tell me if i'm wrong.

Being played???

It is probably selfish of me to assume that you were having any feelings on me like I did (kinda still do) for you. With shared interests, I thought that we were vibing just fine. Hell, you even made me feel special. I do not know much about you besides the rare and random interests that we shared, but I truly appreciate the time we spent chatting overnight at when I felt loved during my darkest times. After I learned the news about you going abroad, I felt conflicted. I knew that it was such an opportunity for you, but I also wished that I had spent more time getting to know you better. The thing is that I wanted to express my gratitude and love for you. I just wanted to put it out there. I do not have any intention of wanting to start anything anytime soon, for I do not want to mistake my loneliness and sadness for love. I held my breath for a while. I thought that I genuinely would wait for you. You truly did give me hope, but it seems to be a false hope....I feel gutted. Because after a while, I had my suspicion and learned that the whole time you were with someone else, yet you gave such a sense of love. I feel played for not knowing anything and for being given such false joy. I waited and waited for something that would never come. Maybe it is just a one-sided thing. Maybe I am feeling lonely. Then again, maybe I am just selfish, lonely, and deluded for thinking about any of this because at the end of the day I do not hold anything against you, but I genuinely thank you for all of the times and things that we shared. Lastly, I wish you the best. K

Pain

Since you left I never had a good day. I changed. The pain change me. I let the pain control me. I keep compare myself to others. I can't make myself happy. I lose interest in everything. I tried to find someone to replace you. But I just can't get over you. My heart still want you. But ik I have no more chance. I couldn't even have a second chance. I'm trying to love myself. But why is it so hard? I never been like that before. I want myself back. I regret that we used to date each other. But I never regret the time that we used to spend together. I missed you. But I don't want to miss. I want to forget you. I just wish I could end up my pain. It's really annoying. I'm still love you as always.