The small details of you.

Your good morning text, your sweet talk, your arms, your chest, your lips, your hair, your everything is my favorite. I love it when you call me babe. I love it when you call me just to rant about how your mom treats you. I love it when you tell me how your day was. I love it when you text me saying I love you. I love it when you hug me. I love it when you kiss me. I love everything that you do. I love how you switch your drinks or food with me because I didn't like what I ordered. The ice cream place we went to. The drinks we ordered. The future we talked about. The random things we sent to each other. The dark humor you used to tell me. The dad jokes you told me. The heavy metal music you listen to before you sleep. Every little thing of yours is my favorite. I miss everything about you, but you hurted me, so bad. It felt so good somehow.

Feeling bottled up?

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Am I falling in love with him ?

I've first known him when we were studying French in the same class, we're also studying at the same university and we haven't contacted or talked to each other. One day while the teacher called him and he didn't reply , that's the reason that I chatted to him by Telegram to inform him that " Madame call u xd , why didn't u reply ? ". After that , we were in touch with each other ask and chatted to each other, I also ask for his FB account. Moreover, I also chatted with him by Messenger and talked to each other for several topics but not so frequency or everytime. I've known that he's a quiet person because of his character and his FB account and I really knew that kind of this person! We always share something to each other and ask about each other's daily life. In addition, we absolutely would like to share some informations of scholarships, subjects or exercises. I think I was so surprised because we want to take the same major and have the same plan ! But I haven't known myself that when I chatted with him , I am so warmly heart and feel so good even if he chatted to me not the long text ! At first I didn't know about this feeling because I've just known him as classmate and schoolmate and we haven't met each other before by this pandemic situation ( school was closed since the first day of started day of school ). Finally, I've just realized that I have a mood on him ( crush on him ) but I haven't shown this to him because I think I could lose this friendship ):

Imposter Syndrome

I feel that every single day and I hate it. I hate myself for having that feeling when I'm supposed to feel so grateful for whatever I have right now. People around me are all so successful and smart and everything and I look like a clown by existing everyday. I freaking hate it.

How we end it

You were so easy to read because how you treat me is how you feel about me. From the very beginning to the very end, I never ask to reassure anything because you were always the one to show the efforts of keeping me. But now that I don’t receive that energy and efforts anymore, I kinda know that it’s the right time we both end it.

Failed to delete you.exe 🥑

Do you know how I came here? I’m trying to forget you. It took me five hours to bike here, a coffee store in the middle of a mountain. I was running away from you for six months. I tried so hard to not thinking about you, avoiding your social media, ignoring your favorite meal, when it appears in front of me. Why do you not fade even a little? How could you show up here so easily? and You forgot me so easily. So~ Why can’t I... 😢 This is killing me. Answer me [Why is it so easy for you?]

feeling lately

I miss you a lot more than I realized. things keep happening and I always find myself wishing I could tell you about them.

Why mom?

Why mom? Why do you have to make me feel this way? What have I ever done so wrong? You know, it is very hurtful and very tormenting when you, my mother, care so little of me. Why is it that when my younger brother got a minor cold, you would rush me to buy him medicine, to take care of him, and so on, but when I got tested positive of covid-19 because I have to go to work, you didn't even seem to care about it as a matter a fact, you didn't even want to buy me covid med, you told me I don't need covid med and just take normal coughing med, you thought paracetamol is enough? Just why do I have to feel all this unfairness? Should I just do you and everyone a favor and just take as much paracetamol as I can and just die? Would that have been better for everyone?

What were we?

I couldn’t call it an end because we have never begun anything. We were friends, but both of us have crossed the line. He told me that he had feelings for me, that he wanted to be with me, but he wouldn’t be committed to me. Later on I asked him what were we, he ignored my question and changed the topic. I guess that’s where my insecure became worse. He always had time for everything except me. For his movies, games, football, friends... He always forgot things that he said he will do with me. From small daily things to dates. Whenever I was feeling down, he ignored me. I kept being insecure and mad over everything, and finally he fell out of love. I guess it was my fault. For being broken and unable to love properly. I didn’t know if I am to blame or the environment I’m in is. However, he was different. He was enthusiastic about everything in life. Maybe, we weren’t just meant to be. We were too different. From background to personality. Now, I think he’s seeing someone new. Honestly, I felt miserable. I questioned myself if I was that easy to forget and replace? Did everything between us mean nothing for him? Was he just lonely and that’s not love for him? Whatever it is, I wish him all the best. I hope he’s happy with her. That’s the last thing I can do for him, giving him the peace he’s always wanted. I learned my lesson here. There’s no way someone will be ready for you if they weren’t from the start. Don’t wait for them. When they aren’t sure about you, and won’t commit, leave. Turn away and run and never coming back.

Genuine love but nature separation

So, a few months ago, my girlfriend's granddad passed away. And now, her grandma, who's getting up there in age, has been losing her short term memory. It's really sad because she's still torn up about losing her husband of 60 years. What makes everything even worse is that every morning when she wakes up, she forgets that he's gone. She makes him breakfast and brings it to his study, but he's not there. So, she ends up wandering around the whole house, going from room to room looking for him. Eventually, she calls up one of her kids to ask where he is, and they have to tell her what happened all over again. And then she cries for the rest of the day like it just happened.