Genuine love but nature separation

So, a few months ago, my girlfriend's granddad passed away. And now, her grandma, who's getting up there in age, has been losing her short term memory. It's really sad because she's still torn up about losing her husband of 60 years. What makes everything even worse is that every morning when she wakes up, she forgets that he's gone. She makes him breakfast and brings it to his study, but he's not there. So, she ends up wandering around the whole house, going from room to room looking for him. Eventually, she calls up one of her kids to ask where he is, and they have to tell her what happened all over again. And then she cries for the rest of the day like it just happened.

Feeling bottled up?

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Her.

One of the hardest things that I’m doing right now is letting go of a person whom I never thought I would do. It’s the best for myself to be able to heal. I wrote my stories here probably a few times of how I love that person but in the end we’re just friends. I still have feelings for her and I don’t think I would ever lose those feelings, but the thing is I’m moving forward. I don’t stay in the same old place with the wonderful/painful memories. Honestly, she’s the first person that I’ve loved this much and I even told her that. Still, I need to accept the fact that it’s not gonna work and our connection can only be “best friend”. She told me that she met someone and she kinda loves that him too. So yeah. Sometimes you miss the memories and the times that you had spent with them but not the person themselves.

Empty Bin

I think I’ve built a very convenient Persona for myself to get by this world. Everywhere I go, Every group of people, or everyone that I met, I know what they see me but not in me, they find I’m a very polite, friendly, good manner person. I know this, because that is all my persona shows them. But their instincts would tell them to be care to approach me with their good intentions, maybe it’s a friendship or love. Their instincts would tell them, I’m not just they see, there are something more beneath that. And it’s right, I’m hiding myself under this forged amour because I can’t be who I actually want to be. How I was treat from a very young age had traumatized me to be myself. I’ve lived my life forged with lies that I tell myself, that now it makes me terrified to unfold the truth. Now at the end of everyday, I feel so empty, like an empty void that can’t never be filled. I named this “empty bin”, because that’s just how I am, loud but empty. I’m tired of this life. Even though I know life is pain and suffering, but how I still couldn’t get used to if? And it’s even more tragic if you live a life with full of self-deception. lately, all I could think of is, how to die and leave no pain to everyone around me. “How should this empty bin should leave?…”

Waiting…

We broke up and you found someone new. It was a dark time for the two of us. I got my problem and you got yours. Yes, we start spending less time together because life keep throwing us lemon and make everything sour between us. Deep down in my heart, I still love you, I still miss everyplaces we went together, drink, eat … The parking spot that i park my car and we shared about problems… I missed all of that. Now that you left, I try to avoid all the places that we been to together… every time i when there, in my head, I saw shadows of your and flashbacks of you every details your orders, your favorite drinks… it hurt me.

testfa

fafafa

Inside

There a big black hole inside of me which can't be fill. That empty part even myself can't complete it. U think having everything are happinese? No! I have and able to get what i want but if u ask am i happy yet? No i don't, Do i ask for more? Also, no i don't. I don't understand either why am i like this? I think everything seem to be enough for me but why am i feeling so empty? Why is it so dry?...... How long does this feeling going to last?.... I want to feel happinese too...

08/March/2022

Just found out I failed on every contest that I applied for. Kinda sad sad but not sad at all. Bye 👋

Mr. Leica

I know you don’t have such a feeling and thought about me like I do to you. Yet, I think you deserve to know that someone out there considers you’re special to her. I haven’t had feeling for anyone for years. Then you appeared and began messing up with my head. I don’t expect anything from you because I’ve been spending too much time alone that I’m not sure whether this is the feeling of “fall in love” or it’s just some entertaining feeling to my boring life. Besides, I’m not even capable of loving anyone, so I don’t want waste my time on this stupid and hopeless idea. Yet, I just want you to know that I really appreciate and cherish that one precious day you gave me. I hope you can find someone you truly love and return it back to you the same way. From now on, I’m going back to my world, and I just hope that you still consider me as a friend. —t.o.

What should I do?....

I'm here to ask for some advise and also confess about what's going on in my mind. My current state is " I don't want to feel that kind of pain, but I want to feel that kind of love again". I'm a person who loves hard and won't be able to move on easily. We've been talking more than a year and there's no label in our relationship. It's just more than friend, yet less than lovers. I've been keep doing this and loving her so much throughout the year. But I guess my love is just not enough for her. She will never treat me good no matter what. She did something depend on her mood and that's hurting me. Come back whenever she wanted and leave as I was nothing. Sometimes I felt loved and another time felt nothing to her. But like I said I still want her so bad but don't want to feel the pain too. I don't know what to do. I miss her so bad. My heart still so soft and pure to her. I still think about her everyday. Please give me some ideas guys. Thank you so much for your time.