In between

I could say I moved on, that’s why I’m here with my new relationship for 3 months. Last month was when my ex of 2 years has asked me if there’s a chance for us to be back tgt again. I told him and made things pretty clear with him that there’s no chance of us doing so, because I’m in a healthy relationship with my new bf. As I’m writing him to explain my feelings, I realized I’m not fully healed, it’s still hurting recalling the memory’s of us as I explaining, I still have a soft spot for him, he’s still a part of me. To ask whether I hate my ex after we broken up? I would say I don’t hate him not even one bit, I was just solely disappointed in him. Relationship with him was healthy, understanding, supportive, faithful and all, until earlier last year, when he made me thinks that the bare minimum was too much request in relationship. A part of the problem came from the environment that we’re surrounded with, everything’s started to change so did he, he became very arrogant, he used to be so supportive now every opinion of mine become invalid and he always listen to others before me. That’s when I feel miserable everyday being with him, things going on for months to the point I feel like I should leave and I did. He didn’t beg or anything he let me go and that’s when I also realized he may has lost his feeling for me and that I should work on myself. It’s been almost a year, I met someone new. To compare everything to him, my new bf is more like my dream ideal type, he asked to be his gf (possibly potential partner for the future, because we planned on our future and everything tgt, tho the duration seems pretty short) and I should say him and I get along just fine. It’s just this one thing, the amount of effort he put is way less than my ex when we’re in love. To put things in short, I don’t want to admit it but I must say that I’m almost like a chaser in this relationship even though he’s the one that asked me first. At some point, I also feel tired too, I wasn’t like this in my previous relationship, before everything changes, I was treated almost like a queen, never a day I ever feel like unwanted or lefted alone ever. That’s what I love the most out of previous relationships. As being with the new one, I feel like the Karmas do me good, now that everything my ex did for me, I’m doing it to my new bf without a return. I sometimes miss being treated by my ex, now that he came back and he changed a lot because of all the flaws that I explained to him before I ended the relationship making me miss him even more. Back to the question if I should go back to my previous relationship or should I moved on, I’m in a serious debate. My ex and I shared deeper connection than my new one, but I don’t want to give up on my new relationship just yet just because of my ex return, plus my new relationship is a long distance one, it’s unfair for him to compare things that my ex can possibly do just because he’s near me and was spending much longer time than my new one. I can’t just compare things. As for now I really don’t know what to do (I really need an anonymous consultation if anyone interested to help pls cmt, I’ll reach u out in anonymous acc)

Feeling bottled up?

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I was chasing for someone love than I was lost in game.

One upon the time, there was me and a guy. A guy who I could lose myself for him even my life. And also had another guy who always there when I need help. Let back to reality, when you heard a word “ love “ what was the most meaningful come cross to your mind? To me that was the a beautiful cloudy day which is became to bad storm with sec. The beautiful didn’t last, you are the one who was been in love one side while he wasn’t. I don’t know what zone we have been through but sometimes we looks like a couple and the other we became a sibling and not too long we became a stranger. It hard to blame on me while he was made me confusing all the time. The way he was taking care the way he treated me those actions ghosting me every night. I tried to talk to him about our relationship, he just pushed me away stopped not to talk. Before I have the feeling for him I have asked him many time about his personal life I mean doesn’t he dating someone yet, the answer I got he is single who not having much time to thing about loving stuff. I trust those with and I could not find anything about his love life on social media also. We talked we laughed we chitchat, hanged out, eating out but we never called that was dating. Even we went on the trip together just 2 of us. I was thinking about does man always doing those stuff with a girl he not even like a bit!?! Does he like me?!? If not why he took me here while these are couple usually did. I was talking to myself everyday thinking all about his attitude. And now I realized I have been used, I still have no idea that he was dating someone or not but I just no that he just using me to comfort his loneliness life. Honestly I knew that he was being nice to everyone he known, but there are some point made me think he like me by the ways treated me differently from other.

I don't know should I move on or still waiting for him?

I saw you usually react and read all of the confess in this page so, I hope you see this. I've been waiting for you for a long time without getting any messages from you. What do you think about me? Do you want me to waiting for you or want me to move on? Please let me know dear. I'm stuck. I want you to know that I love, I don't want to lose you. I can waiting for you if you ask me to wait.. but if you want me to move on, That's okay I can accept it. ☺️

....

These several years not a single day where i wish we would end up tgt but the more i hold on to u the more i realized i never meant to be in ur life so i give up

Wish I could uncrush u

Dear crush, ik ure in love with somebody who ain’t me, yet I hope u’ll never be lonely like u always told me n realize this world as a beautiful place. I hope she’ll take good care of u n I wish u live in this love life ever after. My happiness is seeing u happy. Love u my dearest crush:) #m

Am I the problem?

I fucked up again. Choosing the same old path and now suffering same old mistake. Risking myself to accept that love again. Open myself to trust again but now all I got is this god damn pain. And now I think I am the REAL problem :)

It was fun while it lasted.

Day by day we started to talk less and less. I tried my best to keep it going but you acted I’m annoying you. Sometimes, I wish that our long conversation will come back but I know that it probably won’t because I thought about it one sided. I always the second choice to anyone in my entire life but at first you made me feel like I’m not your second choice but not anymore. Is it because you’ve found someone else? I have so so many things left unsaid and I think that it’s better off that way.

Should I believe my instinct?

After turning 18 years old a day ago, one of my sister’s friends became very touchy towards me. I still remember on my birthday party, after I drank I went to sleep and he came near me and started to hug-sleep but not to hard since my sister was there too. I felt uncomfortable with him after that but decided to ignore it since I have known him for awhile. Yet, on the next day of my birthday party, I went to the bathroom and I saw his phone hanging on his pant. I was very shocked back then but still I am trying to ignore the facts that whether his intention is good or not. Should I ignore it or believe my own instinct ?

Some of my point of view in these past few years for hiding from the reality.

Dope I am a kind of person that would build the walls instead of the bridge because I used to experience some trauma events in the past. [newLine*] [newLine*] They used to call me “ sensitive, dramatic, self victimized, stupid, etc.” And here I am, being a cold hearted person ever in my life. I don’t like the version of today’s me yet, I am still glad that it kinda makes me stronger and be more careful around my surroundings. Running away from my own feelings is one of my coping mechanisms since it is the best way to do so when it comes to expressing emotions. I wanted to open up and have the healthiest relationship with others but the dark inner part of me is still keep telling me that they will judge me in every possible way that they could also the people that I expect then to be will be leave me eventually anyway so instead of being my real self, I just show them what they wanted to see from me.[newLine*] [newLine*] Losing the ones that I love is also a tragic cause for my mental health too. My mom passed away since I was 6 years old and I hadn’t had the mother-daughter moments yet and it really broke my heart ‘til nowadays. So instead of crying, I usually hide my true emotions and keep moving forward when I was still not healed from what broke me in the past. I used to held grudges, always get jealous when they got what I wanted, they have the best relationship with their families, they have a strong self confidence and many more. Very toxic person I could possibly find. [newLine*] [newLine*] But here I am, after all what I have been through both mentally and physically. A cold hearted b*tch also I am still keep finding out who I really am and what is my purpose of life. I still feel guilty when I hurt the ones that love me so, but nothing is permanent anyway so I’ll live the best of my life instead of pleasing other people. [newLine*] [newLine*]From, thyka. ♡︎