i wish i could only be poor to the point i can handle it.

Me and her, the never ending circle

It’s easy to find someone who is pretty, rich, smart, smell good, nice figures, doll-like face, academic success, business oriented mind, hard working, considerate, helpful, charming, unbeatable spirit, sassy and down to earth. But at the end of the day IT IS NOT YOU. I drive down all different roads but they all lead back to you and I am sorry to everyone who came across me all of these time at the end i tried to turn you guys into her and I failed pathetically. So for one last time I know i came back way too late to you, too late to realize that no one will ever be able to be like you, too late to realize what we used to have is a the only and last genuine thing in my life. please make this work even I have to made a deal with a devil. Because at the end of the day everyone gonna hurt me Atleast I want the blade that stabs me to be yours. I love you I hope the alternate version of us would never go through the same hell we did ❤️

I’m not the one for her!

I have known her for almost a year who has a good attitude, strong and similar vibe to me. Recently there’s something in me told me that I’m not the one for her, I’m not good enough for her, i can’t take care of her for the rest of my life. Her last relationship hurt her so bad, but I was there to help her from day one. I don’t trust myself that I can go through all this things, I don’t want to see her in that kind of situation anymore, I don’t want her to lose herself again. But at the same time, there’s some part in me tell me she’s the person you have been looking for for a long time, she’s your type, she’s the girl you want to take care of. And now I don’t know what to do. It’s really hard for me

If we’re really meant to be, we’ll meet again:)

Maybe this lifetime isn’t for us. I just hope you will be happy with your marriage. After all these years, I am the only one who fooled myself into this hopeless love. You did it. You made me feel like a fool. I had caught myself smiling while texting you, waiting for you and now? Now you’re with someone else and even getting married? How am I supposed to feel. That moment when you told me about the date of your marriage, what was I supposed to tell you? Congratulations? I don’t even know how to feel now. It felt so real for me, but I guess we just end up as best friend even after everything we’ve had together. You even told me that I will and always be the one? No one will ever replace me? I have no right to do anything except congrats you, seeing you be happy with someone else. Thank you for everything. Thanks for making me feel so special even if you don’t mean it. Because I will never not think about you.

Important sister

I'm not sure what will you and others valued on this name "important sister". Sometimes, I feel abit down but whatever happens, this name won't change. I'm still keep you as my important one, no one understand it but I'm really hope you can feel me trust my speech. I used to hope that one day we separate then we go our own path, but your voice always feel heard by my soul. Whatever happens, we changed but I won't forget what you advised me. Distancing doesn't mean the soul break. Love you, all the best to my important sisters ❤

Beside you

Brings back the day that he asked me for an artist’s recommendation and i told him about keshi. He says that he also listens to keshi and his fav track is besides you. I secretly felt happy because it was my favorite song.

Before I give up

Well, this confession gonna sound stupid to some of you, yet, I hope I can keep my memory here. I am madly in love with a person I met in middle 2021 but I have never confessed nor shown any signs to him at all for I knew I’m not his type. I first met him through a volunteer platform which help me to spent my awesome six months working together with him. I am hopelessly falling in love knowing that I will never get a response from him. There was a time I gather all my strength and used drunk as an excuse to directly talked to him about how I felt yet before I could even talk, I found out he already has eyes on somebody. Thank to that I did not lose him until today. We barely talked now as our project is already ended - honestly I am still into him but I give up now. I am too hopeless to even think about him so I decided to leave a note here and hope this would find him well or rest well in my memory. Thanks ~

2025-08-14

Some of my point of view in these past few years for hiding from the reality.

Dope I am a kind of person that would build the walls instead of the bridge because I used to experience some trauma events in the past. [newLine*] [newLine*] They used to call me “ sensitive, dramatic, self victimized, stupid, etc.” And here I am, being a cold hearted person ever in my life. I don’t like the version of today’s me yet, I am still glad that it kinda makes me stronger and be more careful around my surroundings. Running away from my own feelings is one of my coping mechanisms since it is the best way to do so when it comes to expressing emotions. I wanted to open up and have the healthiest relationship with others but the dark inner part of me is still keep telling me that they will judge me in every possible way that they could also the people that I expect then to be will be leave me eventually anyway so instead of being my real self, I just show them what they wanted to see from me.[newLine*] [newLine*] Losing the ones that I love is also a tragic cause for my mental health too. My mom passed away since I was 6 years old and I hadn’t had the mother-daughter moments yet and it really broke my heart ‘til nowadays. So instead of crying, I usually hide my true emotions and keep moving forward when I was still not healed from what broke me in the past. I used to held grudges, always get jealous when they got what I wanted, they have the best relationship with their families, they have a strong self confidence and many more. Very toxic person I could possibly find. [newLine*] [newLine*] But here I am, after all what I have been through both mentally and physically. A cold hearted b*tch also I am still keep finding out who I really am and what is my purpose of life. I still feel guilty when I hurt the ones that love me so, but nothing is permanent anyway so I’ll live the best of my life instead of pleasing other people. [newLine*] [newLine*]From, thyka. ♡︎