Unrequited love
I want to give up on you since it’s not going to happen. Because I clearly told me so. But all I can do is daydreaming about us being together. I’ll go to you one more time when my life is stable.
Wherever you are, you will continue to shine like gold in my memories.
I want to give up on you since it’s not going to happen. Because I clearly told me so. But all I can do is daydreaming about us being together. I’ll go to you one more time when my life is stable.
Sometimes you really love a person eventho they have done bad things to you and Sometimes you've been holding on to it for so long that you forgot yourself. That you've lost the value of your worth, I know it struggling sometimes to hold on to something that you are trying so hard, But if it hurts you, you also have to let it go. There's no point of holding on to it, it will only eat you up and keep you insecure. I am a guy who's badly devastated by a few person who did the same thing to me over and over. I'm the one who is trying to hard to keep things like before, eventho i know so damn well that it's not gonna work out for both of us. Coming home from work getting to talk to your favorite person, yet that person doesn't seem to care at all, cold replies, short text, late replies. I kept convincing myself that it's probably just one of her bad day. But that's when i realized that bad days doesn't goes on for 4 months straight. I tried talking about it, one week, ONE WEEK, everything is back to square one, cold replies, short text, late replies. That's when i started asking myself "What am i holding on for?", "Was it love?", "Was it that i've stayed with that person for so long that i can't live without them?", "Was it the time we spent together that i don't wanna let it all goes to waste?", "Was it to the point that staying with that person is apart of my habit?". Those are all the questions that keeps popping in my head. I've lost pieces of myself staying with that person without realizing it until it was too late for me and now I'm lost, i couldn't find myself anymore. I've lost myself trying to be with you.
I’m just wondering that most of the confessors who confess about love really know about love. Because I don’t. I really am. And maybe I’m confused. I don’t know if it because I’ve been single for too long or what (bachelor degree of single). I care I worry I talk all the time about the person that I close with but when others ask am I in love with that person? I would say I don’t and I don’t know what love is like. Also, they said the way and the action that I did toward that person it is love. And I don’t know at all.
This is a story of mine. A story that I don’t tell anyone and never plan to but it’s been making me feel so heavy so, I decide to confess it here. I’m a mentally ill person, since i was a kid (it’s a long long story). I didn’t get enough love and affection as i was a kid so since I became a teenager, i attach to people who give me affection easily. Long ago, i knew a man on internet. We started texting with each other until we fell in love. He was a really good guy. He loved me, always cared about me, checked up on me, helped me with everything, he was literally perfect plus he’s a good looking person, he was a man in every women’s dream. He didn’t know about my mental state until we dated and it turned out he was also mentally ill, but my condition is worse than him. But things went so smooth, our relationship was super healthy and we were so deeply in love. After we’ve been together for 1 year, thing started to happen, he started asking me to show him my body. I refused but he’d said I didn’t trust him or anything. So i showed him with the condition that there won’t be a second time and he agreed. A few days later he asked me again, he convinced me and if I refused, he’d get upset after that. Thing went repeatedly. He asked me again and again and there’s no the end of it. I loved him too much but doing something like that really made me feel so wrong and disgusted myself. I didn’t want our relationship to fall apart so i did as he told me to (i was stupid). Little did he know, i cried every time after showing him my body. A few months later, i felt like I couldn’t keep it going and going repeatedly like that anymore and i felt so wrong especially i felt like i’m a bad daughter and how’d my mom feel if she know that her daughter do something like that in such a young age. That night, he requested me again but then I refused and i told him i’m not gonna do it anymore, i’ve done enough and I felt so wrong about it. But then he started forcing me. I started to cry but he didn’t change his mind and he promised it will be the last time. I was dumb enough to believe that so i showed him again while i was crying and mad at him. After he felt satisfied, he started to cry, he felt sorry for me and he said I couldn’t control his mind and it was so hard for him. After a month, i guess, he started to request me again and when i refused he always get upset and acted cold to me. I loved him so so much, i was afraid that our relationship was gonna fall apart so i do as he said but that time, he convinced me to masturbate myself. I did everything that he told me to. After one year and half of our relationship, the distance was started to grow between as. I was not a good girlfriend to him, being with a mentally ill person like me is so draining and he also had so much things to deal with, he was also suffering and he still tried to help me and comfort me. I fell into a deep depression that I started to think about committing suicide again. But then, we broke up for some complicate reasons that I can’t even understand. I was so attached to him, i did everything just for him to come back, I begged him and I couldn’t eat or do anything, i just cried and kept calling him over and over even he didn’t pick up. But at night, he picked up but we didn’t talk much since i only called him so i can ask him to be back. Until one night, he said he was still in love with me but i need to be strong, when I become strong, he will comeback, I believed him. We called for a few minutes for a few nights but during our call he always asked me to show him my body and masturbate myself. I thought doing it would make him stay and love me, i was so dumb that I sacrificed and gave him everything just to make him stay. A few days later, I felt like he doesn’t love me anymore because he was so fine, he didn’t care whether i’m okay or not, if i eat, if i cry, he didn’t care about me, he was just living his life normally. He ignored my texted and didn’t pick up my call the whole day until night time, he picked up and asked me to do thing as I mentioned above. One night, i asked him if he was still in love with me because his action showed that he was already fell out of love. “I don’t have any feelings for you since the day we broke up, i was just feel pity for you and afraid you were gonna do something harmful to yourself”, he responded. It really hurt my feelings, it was like someone stabbed me in the chest, I started to cry so hard and all he could say was sorry. I was literally so so depressed, i still texted him and called him after he said that to me (i was so thaok) but he didn’t respond or pick up. After a few weeks I started activating my social media account and acted like I got over it (I didn’t get any better actually). He texted me, i was less sad and asked him to fix thing but he refused again. Things kept happening until a month or 2 months (I forgot) I decided to stop asking to come back since he got a new gf already but i was still in love with him and think about him 24/7. And now, i still can’t get over him and i can’t bring myself to hate him either because he was so good to me even though he did hurt my feelings but he treated me like i was something special and a really important person to him. The only person i hate right now is myself. I hate myself so much, i’m so disgusting and i think I deserved everything that happened to me. Everything that happened in the past is haunting me, the more i get reminded of it, the more i hate myself. Even though i tried to get over it, to forget it, to start working on myself, to heal myself but none of it work. They say time will heal but actually, it doesn’t. I act like i moved on and happy because I don’t want my family and friends to worry about me. They’ve been helping me a lot and i really appreciate it but it couldn’t help me somehow. It’s all my faults, I know people will hate me if they know about this but what can i do to be forgiven. But how can i be forgiven by people when i can’t even forgive myself…
Why can’t I hate the one who hurt and broke my heart into pieces? I can’t even erase your name from my head. I am fu*king hurt when I hear your name. Stupid me hoping to start over again with you.
Have any of you ever laiten to this song? By the weekend! Just the title we can understand much about the song already right? It about the love we have for our partner, afraid to lose him/her, might think that we are not good enough + want the best for him/her but can’t just walk away. We love them so much, can’t think of anyway or one day that we will change our mind and give up on them. Love to the point that we can die for them. (Listen to this song you’ll feel it) Imagine sharing this song with your significant other. Or this song is about your partner. Then one day you are not choosing them as a part of your life anymore, you change your mind you had someone new standing in his/her place and you still listen to this song. Do you get de javue? Does it remind you of that old soul who been with you through thick and thin and would die for you too. Or in your mind, you find it normal to switch to die for someone new? That someone just fit in this song perfectly? the previous one does not matter anymore? You will just go back on your word as if she/he doesn’t exist in this world anymore?
Why do I still love you more and more even though we broke up 2years ago? Why can’t I just move on like the way you did? Why do I still cry over and over again for you?បងលួចមើលអូន but Why did sometimes អូនមើលបងវិញ ( we’re in the same class)? The way you looked at me, it drove me crazy. I‘m still waiting for you អូន even though I know it’s impossible that you will come back...Daisuki da yo my love
(I have wrote my first sentence and deleted it so many times, I lost count. So here goes nothing.) ....When we first met, I had no idea how much you could mean to me. You stayed when I needed you most, you told me I'm loved, and you held my hands through one of the hardest times in my life. But my heart shattered when I say, it was a false start to my cruel fairytale. You have made me surrendered, I gave you my all. I had never felt so deeply for anyone, and you knew how to make me fell for you. Maybe my love spoiled you, because darling you have changed. From the woman who could no wrong, to your worst enemy. It could be the day I breathed the wrong way, asked you the wrong question, said what you did upset me, asking too many questions. Those things made you reset me. Am I to walk on eggshells around you if we want to be together? Am I just to be the person you pick up the phone whenever you feel like calling? Am I to be the one you apologize and make amends? Am I the one to always be dealt a lower hand? Is it wrong to want to feel loved my the person you feel so deeply for? Is it wrong to want your partner to care about you? Is it wrong to not want to be ignored for hours? I never regretted the love I gave you. But my biggest regret was I had convinced myself that you cared for months. I let it continued when I knew there was no way I can live with this forever. I used to think that having you smiling at me a few times was better than none. Having you for an hour to myself was better than not talking to you at all. How it broke my heart to admit the truth today, you had no idea how much you hurt me. I wonder if you cared, you probably don't. I don't think you ever did in the recent months. This is my peace offering to you, I'm leaving. DONE. I'm done making excuses for you, I'm done being treated like the person you hated. I'm most certainly done with being your last priority. I don't know what love should be, but I'm sure as hell our relationship isn't what love supposed to be. I'm writing this to all my girls out there, when things changed. You know. No matter how many times you have lied to yourself for him, you can't lie forever. If he truly wants to be with you, you will know. And when you do, leave.