So close, yet so far

It was all started in grade 12. We have been friends for almost a decade already but we were only get close when covid 19 started. Just friend but I feel so lonely when ur gone. Feel weird, right? We always hang out, on phone call, arguing over small things and update each other on everything we do. To be honest, I feel safe I feel warm I feel good when I’m with you, I like to have you being around even we’re doing nothing and all my sadness are gone. I like how you tell me about your bad day, when u did sth wrong, about the girl you like and everything. I like your presence I like all the attention you gave me but you always made me feel stupid, guilty when sth happened and my toxic trait is that I always distance myself when I’m mad and that where we were apart from time to time. Yes, I was always the one who run away because If not I will end up crying. I don’t say it’s my fault or your fault because we both don’t have any commitment in this thing, we were just playing around but still, I wish you The Best! P.S. If you want to come back and hang out sometime. Call me :) -See you next time 👋

Feeling bottled up?

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Secondhand embarrassment

Well, I had a feeling for someone who’s I never met in my entire life. But idk I feel wrong at some points cuz I alr confessed to that person. Um, it was actually the most embarrassing moment of my life to reveal what I actually think n rlly want that person to know even tho we’re just strangers. We agreed to be friends by now but it’s feel weird after that stupid confession. I wish I didn’t send that cuz it’s better to be strangers who don’t know each one exists. (Ik its vol n I’m sorry.)

:))

I confessed my feelings for you and now, we're treating each other as friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

Imposter Syndrome

I feel that every single day and I hate it. I hate myself for having that feeling when I'm supposed to feel so grateful for whatever I have right now. People around me are all so successful and smart and everything and I look like a clown by existing everyday. I freaking hate it.

To the one I can’t have

Hey, it’s been many years since I’m trying to move on. I know my feeling isn’t mutual and that’s fine. But there’s always moment when I always picture us in my head. Loving you is a guilty feeling and yet I still want you to be mine. It’s hurt when I know you love someone else. It’s hurt when I’m trying to move on while at the same time I want to experience us together however I can’t have you because you are someone I would feel guilt to have….. but I love you , love you till the point where I don’t want anyone else but you , till the point where seeing you happy also make me happy. I love you na , and I don’t know when I could move one but I’m pretty much sure that it would take years but it’s okay loving you is beautiful even though it hurts me.

Farewell..

Hey it's been almost two months since we broke up, I still remembered you left me on 4th Sep with a short meaningless message "I want to be alone" without any explaination without a closure you just left me there in the dark wondering what did i do wrong but now that you seems happier i guess i was the problem. I wonder what went wrong i wonder if we give up too early or if i held on for too long? I never thought goodbye would be so hard. I'm writing this because i'm going to let go of us of you..life been awfully hard on me these days. My family my work nothing really works out for me i miss venting out to you about my problems yes i miss you i still do but its not that i want us back i'm glad that you are doing well on your own. it's sad because what i felt for you was really special and now i have to let go of everything as much as i hate giving up but i have to this time because i can't keep torturing myself like that, I stayed up all night crying i woke up in the morning crying i barely even touch food i didn't even go out and meet my friend all i did was getting drunk every nights so i can fall asleep,i keep doing things that i don't enjoy doing like active on the social media adding story publicly so you could see you know me better than anyone i aint the type to do that i ususally really private about my life it's getting tiring..this getting too long i'm gonna make it short..Take care T, you're a good person thanks you for the time we spent together, the calls the texts the late night conversations. i hope that you're happy with the way your life is right now i wish only the best for you ..Goodbye.

My life was a mess ~

My life has been the whole mess until I met you. I’m so happy that I’m having you to stop me from giving up on my life. I was happy to continue my goal and pursue my higher degree. Then you suddenly left me hanging there while you already knew you’re the only person I go to whenever I have problems. You start talking to someone else while I can’t move on from you. I start to be unproductive at work. I lost my motivation to study. I no longer have any appetite. I mess up my sleeping schedule again. I start taking more and more medicine. I can’t do anything right. I can’t get my mind right on the track. I can no longer focus while riding or driving. I’m completely losing myself cuz I’ve been giving all myself to you and my feeling is depending on you. My life become miserable again. Whenever everyone ask what happened, I can’t answer, I can’t tell them what happened to me. Just mentioning I’m stressing out abt my work, while in fact I still want you back even though I know you don’t want to and already having someone new.

Always

we ended just like that. you know, when i look back on the memories we have, both the good and bad, i just realized it was the most vibrant and most alive i’ve ever felt. You said i’m a mature girl. You’d believe that i would feel nothing right now, that I’d be moving on with life. And I too, think that i would be fine for now. Maybe i’d cry later, for days on end. I know that i’ll break down every night, reliving you in my head. I would try so hard not cry when I see you. Then when i look back at this later, I’d break down all over again. I love you a lot, always will. I guess this is it. Our story ends here. I’ll wish you the happiest in life, always. L

Suicidal thought

It comes again...that thought and why its keep whisper in my ear and keeping running in my brain telling me i should die so everything will be fine? Why is it me? Why am i being like this?