Suicidal thought
It comes again...that thought and why its keep whisper in my ear and keeping running in my brain telling me i should die so everything will be fine? Why is it me? Why am i being like this?
To the friend I used to valued... Months ago, I had a female fiend who I talked to daily, I kept listen to her rant day to day, support her during her bad time. It is not that I had feeling for her or something. I just valued our friendship. Being friend is meant to valued each other, aint it? Then one day, she told me that she got into a relationship. I congratulated her and keep texting her as we used to. Then she barely reply to my text. It is not that I got jealous or something. But the friend who you trusted, you supported most, valued the most, turned their back after got into relationship as if you meant nothing to them. Was I been used? Was I have done something wrong? Is it mean they don't want you anymore? Or is it mean you are out of their used? I don't know. After that, I decided to silently walk out of her life. Knowing that my effort has no meaning to them.(what's suck most, is she never asked or notice my absence) I still hope you have a great life, live happily. From the person who out of your used.
It comes again...that thought and why its keep whisper in my ear and keeping running in my brain telling me i should die so everything will be fine? Why is it me? Why am i being like this?
The reason I write this up, I want
Throw back to yr 1, I think I had the most beautiful moment crushing on someone. She's my first love, I'm just not lucky enough to make her mine. Plus I crushed on her knowing she got a boyfriend. We became close, probably because of our personalities match and had alot of things in common. I think she is a type I always ask for. We got the same age, but she is so much more mature. She cared and noticed every little thing about me. She always make me feel special. Sometimes, we hold hands in the mall and during class. She used to called me her soulmate. We are lovebird in our class. I kept rejecting, saying no when our classmates talked about us as a couple.(inside, smiling and wishing it was true) xD I really miss me being with her. I miss reading book, paying attention in class, finishing my homework, learning new things, improving my grammar, caring my own health, going to gym, eating healthy food, being kind to other, fullfiling my commitment, keep things under control, keeping my promise, calming down my anger, being a reasonable person, being okay to say sorry. I miss being a better person, just to catch her attention. I miss trying to be a person that come in package. Being an understanding, a sweet, responsible, respectful and a romantic boyfriend, that she always wanted. I remembered days, the first thing I do when I got school is looking for her white scoopy and pink helmet. Everytime I saw her motor at the parking lot, I was so happy going to class, knowing I'm going to see her in any minute soon. Till today, with a little pain in my heart, such a warming one, I still can say I'm glad not telling her about my feeling toward her. We are now still friend, kinda close as before. I got a girlfriend, and sometimes I run to her when I fight with my girlfriend. She's still the same, being an understanding one, giving advice and comfort with care. I'm glad, staying in her life in a position that I able to hear everything about her, everything she wanna talk and going through. I'm glad being a shoulder she can cry on, playing her hair, stabbing her head gently anytime I want to. I am now graduated 3yr already. If I can keep it this long time, I really wish this can be forever. I think I am now being selfish. The thought of losing her is really scary. PS: I am gay.
It’s 1am now. But my parents still fighting
I feel that every single day and I hate it. I hate myself for having that feeling when I'm supposed to feel so grateful for whatever I have right now. People around me are all so successful and smart and everything and I look like a clown by existing everyday. I freaking hate it.
YOU FELL OUT OF LOVE when I am still in love with you, I became a one sided love without realizing. Remember the last time you said you love me? It's been too long since I last heard your voice. I miss that. You said you were gonna call me after you finished your work but you never did, till now. Still waiting for your texts like how I used to. I'm not blaming you. You said you were gonna take me to a burger shop ( I stopped eating burgers since I thought I would have it with you, screw me), when you finished all the work, drinking our favorite milk tea, going out for dinner. I know you were still in love with me during that time but I didn't realize that I would become a burden after time passed. My notifications didn't make you feel better, you ignored me. My presence doesn't make you feel excited, you don't wanna talk to me. Everytime I ask, it annoys you. You could clear off your schedules but you didn't because you thought I would ask you to spend time with me and it annoyed you or maybe not because I was never really on your mind or I was just nobody. Sorry, I have no idea what made you become like this.
knong jit nirk dol srey sart at mike burger 2 weeks ago? maybe longer srey sart pink shirt a little green hair pls notice interact with this i will check every 2 hour :DD
Dear admin, I wrote 'Feeling and reason are at war'. I am writing now to let you know that I am just here to free my mind like you offer. You dont need to post it up on the page, I just hope there is someone who can read what is on my mind. Thank you and I really appreciate your offer.