for my kitty

I’m dying inside

Generally, I’m a happy person. I laugh a lot, I smile a lot. My friends called me “យាយប្រិមប្រិយ”. It's hard to see me without a smile on my face. Everyone thinks that I don't have any problems in my life, since I always laugh and smiling in every pictures that we captured. Deep down I’m slowly dying day by day. I literally cannot find any form of joy in my life. I feel like I can't show my real feelings; I feel like I have to keep smiling and i feels really guilty if I tell them about that because it’ll ruin their day. I’m jealous to those who brave enough to talk about it especially admit that they’ve suicidal thoughts. Smiling and laughing has become a reflex for me and it’s easier for me rather than tell them what’s going on. I no longer “ME” for a long time ago but nobody noticed it. I feel like someone is clawing away at me on the inside. I feel so empty. I don't know what to do.

2025-08-14

Love and Trauma

"Why did we break up?" It has been exactly 49 days since the day you told me that you feel off and you cannot continue this. I've been questioning myself and there were a lot of question marks in my head. Back then to day one, you told me I was your everything and your life would be hell without me. I told you that my previous relationship gave me a lot of traumas and I was scared to start a new relationship because once I love you, I commit and put 100% feeling and effort into it. You promise and you were being vulnerable to me. I decided to trust you and love you wholeheartedly. Our relationship was so pure, lovely, cute, happy until the very last day. The day that another part of me collapse. The day that every promise is broken. The day that you gave up on me. How could we suddenly break up? You gave me the love that make me feel everything then suddenly it dropped to 0. It is sting no matter how much many times I am trying to apply the medicine. It's difficult to picture it without that person because we were having a dream together and I already pictured you everywhere with me. I can't help but think about you in the middle of the night. I can't help but fantasize about a time when everything was fine. Again, I am living in a trauma that haunt me every single day. A trauma that told me that I would never be enough for someone even I keep hearing you deserve better but deep inside me told me that "IF I AM ENOUGH, HE WOULD NOT GIVE UP ON ME." Thank you for giving me love that I always want to feel but never want to leave. It gave me pain, trauma, and fear but I am glad that we come across each other in this lifetime. We broke up but "Once upon the time, my heart was yours." I love you, a_y

Thank you for your caring!! #s

Since I broke up with my ex bf in March 2021, I never had any bf until now. Not because I didn’t fall in love with anyone else. It’s because I used to asked s1 abt feeling during I broke up. And the answer is “ death both side”xD. And yeah at the time he’s the only person that I chatted with, told him how’s my feelings, sometime cried while sending my voice to him. Then we haven’t chatted for awhile. Currently, And he just text me and get on with each again.

What if I am just the girl who comes into his life just to help him be a better man for another girl?

We werent supposed to meet. I was supposed to walk a path set out for me...i was supposed to never step a foot or breathe into your world...but a moment of recklessness brought me into a new world that made me into a happier person. And I met you. You were always like a shadow until one day i stopped, turned around, and fell immediately into your cold, indifferent eyes. You barely talked to anybody, but you were responsive to me. You tolerated my meanness, you listened to my sob stories, and you let me talked abt my drama without making me feel like i am a bother. Slowly, you opened up to me...but I know there is still a deeper part of you I might never get to know. Nevertheless, as friends, you are the best friend a girl could ever asked for. I've never had a male friend, so thank you for making me feel appreciated. Thank you for making me feel safe. Most important of all, thank you for making me realize what it feels like to fall in love with a true gentleman. I know my feelings arent mutual, but that is fine. We are still young. Our dreams are still far. One day, I will look back at us and smile. One day, when I am ready to move on, I will picture you in my head and tell myself, "This is the standard you're aiming for. Do not settle for less." Please...please dont get tired of me. I scolded you, nagged you because i care. I know you have the potential to be a succesful man that is why I do not want you to waste your potential. I want your family and the girl whom you will end up with to be proud of you. Why? Because you deserve the world. I care about you. A lot. I always do and I always will.

Metaphysical idea of Freedom

I have been living on a fence between being normal, socially constructed, like most of everyone else, and being true to my cognitive self. To set up the premise, I am currently working as a software developer. I've been coding just so I know how to make games but that is still easier said than done. Being torn between work for my family and walking for my own can sometimes be discouraging. Is it lunacy to chase a near impossible spectrum of goals given where we are living? and leave behind our own flesh and blood even though just for a brief period of time compared to the whole life span in which we humans can live? The idea of knowing your own value is so vaguely destructive due to never being taught before how to measure that aspect of our own internal value, which spawn ignorance and esteem issues. "Pick the one you love", they said. The idealistic entity in which all of my hopes and expectations combined has nothing more but shattered due to the chaotic nature of nature itself. I fear the unknown, the dread of not knowing what to come next. The dread of nothing matters. I can only work towards it but how it ends will frighten me nonetheless.

❤️‍🔥“B” - T

I think you don’t even know that “B” is the nickname I put for you, it’s like 3 in 1 “Babe, Bong and your name”. Now you’re just “Bong” like everyone else, you’re not my “B” anymore. You know I actually notice how you started to lose interest. I’m a person who always stay quiet so when I see that you act like that I started to detach myself but still it hurts, it hurts so bad when you finally decided to ask me for a breakup. I prepared for it for months but when it really happened, I still can’t quite grasp the situation. Honestly, I’m so jealous of other couples they share with each other everything while you.. you’re so closed off. Whenever I ask about sth you always divert the topic or just ignore the questions. FYI, when I asked i alr know the answer. (“FBI friends” I have them too 🤷🏻‍♀️) I act like I didn’t notice tho cus I hate arguing. Well, whatever I hope you’re happy. And I hope you’d at least give your next girl the bare minimum. Please treat her well. Don’t let her beg for your time and attention like I had to do. React on her posts, post her, take her out, you know the simple little gestures. From: T 🥰

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