Lack of love....

Where should i start with? From which part should i start telling? Hi! I am a 19 years old girl who still get beating by a dad if i ever stand up for myself, asking for my right. I am an 19 years old girl who still to all the scolding, mocking, cursing even tho i earn my own money for 3ys already. I never feel the love that a parents should be giving to their child. They only end up make me feel insecure about myself, losing confident from time to time and end up locking myself for 1 years 6months in the house. Each time i got hit by my dad my mom stood aside watching and sometime she act like nothing happen. She never teach me to fight back she only told me to keep shut and let my dad hit me and same go to my brother when he get hit by my dad. Dad often told me he love me that why he yelling and do violence on me. He never compete his role as he dad. He never even know what i am doing each day never even appreciate my success nor being happy with my highest score, rate in any competition and class..... What can i say? Ik i'm strong and smart. But i am a girl who lack of love. Tbh i sometime feeling to proud of myself bc looking to everything i did. There never a help from my parents.

Feeling bottled up?

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I’m sorry

Hmmm That’s my last text Sorry i knew that I’ve hurt u million times Sorry we can’t be back tgt Sorry cause my guilt are too big I can’t let u forgive me easily. Sorry that I made your day become the worst after your whole tiring both physically and mentally Sorry that I turned u down again and again Sorry that I can’t hold u long enough Sorry that I disappointed u Sorry I’m too selfish that I always want to be ur friend again Sorry I’m too selfish that I don’t want to be with u but I also don’t want u to be with someone else !!!! Billion sorry that I wanted to tell u but I can’t. I still love u however I have done enough to deal with my imaginable problem and I can’t share it with u. I can’t hold u any longer. Sorry my mental issue gonna hit me up again if I stay in relationship. Sorry that I made u become a drunk, stress, toxic person for the last 3 months. I’m sorry even we back tgt we still not the same since I’ve changed. I’m not the girl that u love anymore. Still Loving u was like a dream, a dream that i would never want to wake up Anyway hope u and her get along tgt. I hope that she will give u all the love that u deserve to receive. Hope that she treat u right. Hope that she’s the one that u’ve been searching for. ❤️💛

It’s okay…

It's okay for you to miss the person who hurt you, but it's not okay for you to let that person hurt you again. It's okay for you to talk to the person who doesn't deserve you, but it's not okay for you to give that person another chance. It's okay for you to think about the person who lied to you, but it's not okay for you to believe that person can be trusted. It's okay for you to be friends with the person who played you, but it's not okay for you to hope that this person is capable of being loyal. It's okay for you to be there for the person who made you more miserable than happy, but it's not okay for you to expect that it's gonna be different if nothing ever changed. It's okay for you to still care about the person who took you for granted, but it's not okay for you to put yourself back in a position for that person to make you feel unappreciated. Don't let someone who did you wrong make you feel like there's something wrong with you. Don't devalue yourself just because someone didn't know your value. Know your worth even when that person doesn't.

:))

I confessed my feelings for you and now, we're treating each other as friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

To the girl I once rejected

Nothing was wrong with you, I swear. The one who was problematic is me, myself. As soon as I sensed that you have developed feeling for me, I tried to warn you not to fall for me several time. At that time, I was suffered from my ex-crush who got in a relationship with another man. (I loved my crush so much back then). To be honest, I didn't want you to get caught up in my pain. The one who should suffer from that burden is nobody but myself. I even told you my story (you are the only one I ever told my story) and told you not to fall for me. I knew even if I got in that relationship I won't commit completely and even if I asked you to wait, it would way too unfair for you. However, I know you are someone who love hard and you shouldn't waste time with me and you deserve something better. Back then, I took a harsh decision, I blocked you out of blue so that you would hate me and forget me (and yes, it worked). I knew that you would suffer from that, but I guess it is better to suffer in short terms rather than living in pain everyday right? It is completely ok to hate me, to blame me, it is reasonable and logical. After that incident, I avoid making friend with girl as much as possible, I don't want to commit the same mistake again and again. Recently, I did sneak check on you and I found out you are in a new relationship and you both seems so happy. That is the outcome I expected. Seeing you in your current state, I knew I took the right decision after all. You are someone who should live a happy life because it is all you deserve. Nobody should experience the same pain as I did. I will remember that I was once loved. I don't hold any grudge against you. I do respect and appreciate you from the bottom of my heart. I wish you all the best.

Beers and cigarettes

Growing up I never want to drink and smoke. Everybody know that it’s bad for your health plus nobody likes u if they know you did it. I’m a female , friendly and well educated. Nobody suspect me for smoke because I’m well behaved but deep down I’ve been addicted to smoke and drinks for 2 year already :( it help me release stress. I remember the first time I tried to smoke after cutting myself and it help me it make me realize that instead of killing myself I should smoke. Yes it’s a bad decision but I have no choice. School and family matter I can’t stand it plus my mental health. I hope nobody judge me for smoke and drink beers when they know it. I’m afraid everyone gonna find out about it and hate me I’m scared. Sorry for my bad English

I don't want to give up.

I am depressed, insecurities filled my mind, anxiety consumed my daily life. I am filled with hate and resentment towards myself. I want to be happy but I just can't seem to be, I put on a fake smile in front of everybody but I am getting very exhausted doing so. I want to keep going but I feel like I am on the edge of the cliff and I am about to jump...! I cried for help but my family didn't seem to care, not many people seem to care, am I worthless? What is my purpose in life? Why am I here? Somebody help me!

Time to rest

I have been keeping many problems inside of me, not because I have no one,but there are many people who take care on me, always check up. The point I just want them live their happiness and I don't trust many people to speak out. People thought I'm fine I'm so strong, but I can't stop my tear when my soul mate hit the point. I tried to say "Oh I'm good, I'm fine". Sometimes, I disappear on social media also I stop connecting with friends, close people. Sorry for doing this, I need time to rest. Healing... Disconnected- may the happiness to my people.

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