Finally they leave

A secret untold

My mom married this guy since I was like 8. We've been living together like a family but I'm not close to my mom neither do her husband. I don't call that guy dad either. They had two kids together, my younger siblings and I have a family bond, we're close to each other. But started when I'm grown up, this guy somehow touched me jokingly. Sometimes this guy would laugh and touch my toes, hands, and there's one time he pointed my boob. That makes me very uncomfortable and I couldn't point him out since he acted like it was unintentional. One time he showed me my picture (I stand and bend my back, it was a picture took from a trip) and said laughing, look at your picture it looks like... He didn't finish his sentence but you should know very well what he means. Normal people wouldn't look at one's picture and think about that unless they have lewd thought with them. I think he secretly watched me showering at night too by some hole on the bathroom's wall (they intended to make another bathroom but til now they didn't do it yet) I was too slow to notice. Every time I'm in the shower he would disappear too, and every time he heard me entering the bathroom he would go outside the house even if it's 12am and cameback right in time when I'm done. About my mom, I think she suspects this too. But instead of holding her husband accountable. She confronted me instead, I was so upset. Imagine your own mother is jealous of you and her husband and she's too scared to lose that guy and started confronting you. She really makes me lose faith in mother-daughter's bond. I know we're not close but this is too much. She questioned me everytime like I was a prisoner but never says a word to her husband. I'm starting to hate her now. Fuck. I hate this so much. I've never said a word about this to anyone because I think I can hold in. But it started getting heavy now.

If it’s that hard.

Why don't you just say it if you no longer want to talk. It hurts me but It’s probably easier for either of us and you have to leave me alone and waiting for your replies for hours or even days. It’s so exhausted to question my own worth. Just spill it out and let’s move on.

I hate u!

You make me go to heaven and down to hell in just a split second, now i have to hate u, that’s what my brain told me but my heart already fall for u! I’ll take my heart back . From me ur strangers with secret!

Upset

I’m a type of person that value friendship more than relationship , I rather not date anyone just so I have more time to hang out with my close friend. We share stuff no one ever know about us , enjoy each other’s company without saying a word to each other , inside jokes , hangout non stop…But then things change , third party comes in , she is still my friend but someone else has become her closest friend. They share conversations day and night , calling non stop , playing with each other all the time . I feel like I’m left out but who am i to be jealous of that , you guys seem to be enjoying each other company so much , why would i ruin that because of my feeling , I’m just upset that I can’t provide you that feeling , but it is what it is . I don’t know if you know that I’m upset with that but since I’m not good at opening up to you anymore, I hope the best for you guys even if we become stranger one day…

Dear My Little Seth <3

I hope you doing well my little Seth. I miss you so so bad. I miss the way we talked. I miss how lovely you are to me. I miss how gentle you are. I miss the way you called me my little Junn, Junn Junn, baby Junn... and I also miss your questions, are you tired? where are you now? what are you doin? have you eaten?... Even though we met by online but i admit that i like you for real. and yeahh, if we are meant to be, we will meet each other again someday. Please be safe, take careeeee, get some rest and dont forget to drink water a lot naaaaa. Sethh San, Anata ga koishī.

2025-08-14

A broken child.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Even though it was very clear at a young age to me that mommy and daddy absolutely hated each other’s guts and only got married in the first place cause of my birth, they refused to divorce. “Staying together for the kids” is the absolute worst thing you can do to a child. Mom and dad, What did I do wrong?? my existence??? [newLine*]Personally, it effected my general self esteem and the way I formed and behaved in relationships for the rest of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD, (yess PTSD) as growing up in a house that was literally a battlefield. I always blaming myself for being existing. I thought my family was normal. It wasn’t until i turned 15 when I had friends whom I would go visit and then I started seeing something completely different. My friends had normal parents. Before that, I thought a dysfunctional family was normal. I still suffer from anxiety to this day and self-esteem. My problems are a constant fear of getting too close to people, including friends. As I grew older I became more quiet. It’s effected my relationships and friendships to a point where I end up pushing people away. I like being alone where there’s complete silence and nothing can bother me. I think I came to this point due to growing up in my parents house and constantly hearing them scream at each other, doors slamming. My self-esteem problems are mostly from being ignored and neglected through out my early life. My parents whose were never involved with anything of my childhood despite us living in the same household. The cause of their arguments has always been about me, and still is to this day. My dad came home from work and fighting with my mom because of me, it became worse with age. I feel embarrassed or ashamed to even talk about this with my close friends. My family was of the type that everything happened behind closed doors and out in public. If I had friends come over, they became entirely different people in front of my friends. They could actually act right and tolerate each other when they had company- (why the hell can’t you be normal like that all the time?) For this reason, I never opened up and told my friends what happened in our house cause I feared they’d never believe me. It wasn’t until my early adult years, I finally opened up and started telling my friends what really going on at home but some of them told me that no matter what it is, they’re still my parents and they loves me but they don't seem to loves me nor even care about my feelings except for their own. I always want to get away from them and living my life without them. Sometimes when I opened up about it not because I want empathy nor attention but I just need someone who listen to me, listen to me without judging me. Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate my friends and understand that they’re just trying their best to comfort me.