Two people from two different worlds

You are so awesome. Everyone knows and loves you. I stood there looking at you; looking at how far we were from each other. I was just an outsider to your world. But when you reached me first, everything changed. You let me in, even just for a short moment. I finally could see and hear you clearly then. I wish time were frozen. I wanted to keep you longer but I didn’t know how to do that. You showed me the parts of you that I had never seen before. I wonder if you did that to everyone. Yet, it didn’t matter because that’s all I could ask for. Now that our worlds go back to normal, I wonder how you feel about back then. Perhaps it’s normal for you, but sitting there alone together just listening to you talking about your favorite things…my heart is still fluttering now. I wish I were brave enough to tell you about my feeling. Right now, I don’t think I have anymore chances. Eventually, we are just two people walking on two different paths. Yet, the memory you gave me, will always be my favorite fantasy. —tired owl.

Feeling bottled up?

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Is it just me?

Everytime I see a couple, I start wondering is it just me who never had good fate in love? How do people got in love so easily, how lucky are they to be around someone they love. Look at me, I never had a chance to be in that position, I wasnt able to imagine what its like to be in their shoes. Everytime I start to commit in a relationship, all the experience I got are rejection, betrayal and ghosting. Those experiences scare me. Every time I want to commit in a relationship, my memory flashback and little voice in my head keep telling me: "keep it for yourself, love is not made for you." I hate it so much. I just want to be normal 😪

🧩

I find it funny considering that I always understood your needs but you never tried to understand mine. How does asking about something I wanted to know make me toxic? your words hurt me so much to the point I feel numbed already. Everyday I just feel like this piece of puzzle you just used to complete your needs. If you love according to your mood, then don’t. I deserve better.

5Year

៥ឆ្នាំដែលស្គាល់អូន ៥ឆ្នាំដេលបងឈឺចាប់ 5ឆ្នាំដែលបងហត់នឿយ ៥ឆ្នាំដេលបងលះបង់ 5ឆ្នាំដេលបងពិបាក ៥ឆ្នាំដេលបងបានបាត់បងអ្វីៗគ្រប់យ៉ាង ៥ឆ្នាំនៃសុបិន្តអាក្រក់ តែ5ឆ្នាំនេះ បងនៅតែស្រលាញ់អូន

Old notes#2

Number 11 becomes my fav cos it’s the time I keep checking if you’re still awake like I am, if you are thinking of me like I am; it shows that I still care for you even before or after that 11 number, or maybe it’s just an excuse that I make to lie to myself that only when the short and long hand of the clock point to 11 is the time I think about you, when actually I’m thinking about you every hour which I can barely say the word hour cos every second seems so long let alone an hour, when actually I’m waiting for the time to arrive at 11 again so that I can lie to myself again that I only think of you at this 11:11. #lovefailed

Unpopular opinions

I believe that living together before marriage is necessary. Living with a non-family member is really difficult. yet, living with family members sucks, too. The next level in every relationship is marriage, where people hope to stay together for the rest of their life. I highly recommend living together before getting married. Some of y’all gonna judge me for this but my boyfriend and I are living together for almost a year now but we have been dating for almost 6 years. I have told myself that I would never get married unless we had been living together for 3 years at least. Loving someone and living with someone are two different things. You are two mature adults with habits and lifestyles of your own, its easy to say you know each other very well just dating. As we all know that in Asian households that couples or even fiancé are not living together. I don't know maybe I'm just too modern, I find this ridiculous. Why would you marry someone who you've never lived with? Sure you might think you know their habits but do you really? Now I'm sure someone will argue that many couples moved from their parent's home straight to their new home as a married person. And that these couples usually ended up staying together. But we also have to acknowledge that divorce was not as accepted as it is today. I know that we have “ culture “ but do you really want a surprise? That surprise will result in either "I like it" or "I hate it". You are betting on "I like it", but it's 50/50, so it could also be, "I hate it", which could make you miserable for the rest of your life or this marriage level may not be so permanent. And you know what would happens when you’re divorced? You’re being blamed and pressured from the culture especially when you’re a female. Most of our parents disapproved it because of “ s€x “ but if some of us gotten to know more about S€x Education, it would be just fine. some of us are sensitive about that topic, I know.

Am I that “not important”?

We’ve known each other for quite some times now. It’s no surprise to say we’re more than friends. We share secrets that we once promised ourselves to never disclose it ever, we rode to places together, we’ve gone to see the movies together, we hugged each other when we slept together (nothing sexual lmao just sleep), and there are tons of things that we have done together which to me are memorable. But I slowly came to realize that I am not that important to you as I thought I am. I’ve been striving for this alone while you were free riding this whole time. I tried to hold you tight while you didn’t even try. I shared my happiness/sadness with you while you laugh/cry alone. I’ve been fooled all these times. I was never an important person to you. I’m merely a friend. So why should I keep trying?

Metaphysical idea of Freedom

I have been living on a fence between being normal, socially constructed, like most of everyone else, and being true to my cognitive self. To set up the premise, I am currently working as a software developer. I've been coding just so I know how to make games but that is still easier said than done. Being torn between work for my family and walking for my own can sometimes be discouraging. Is it lunacy to chase a near impossible spectrum of goals given where we are living? and leave behind our own flesh and blood even though just for a brief period of time compared to the whole life span in which we humans can live? The idea of knowing your own value is so vaguely destructive due to never being taught before how to measure that aspect of our own internal value, which spawn ignorance and esteem issues. "Pick the one you love", they said. The idealistic entity in which all of my hopes and expectations combined has nothing more but shattered due to the chaotic nature of nature itself. I fear the unknown, the dread of not knowing what to come next. The dread of nothing matters. I can only work towards it but how it ends will frighten me nonetheless.

Is it even possible to like someone only years later?

Just as the title. We've been close friends for years, and just recently, I've realized that I may have started to see him as more than a friend. I really enjoy his company. I feel safe around him, and he's my go-to person when I'm feeling happy or feeling down. In fact, I'm a person with a plan, and when I was thinking of my future, he comes to mind too. I know it may sound very cliche but that is the moment I realize I may have liked him more than a friend. However, I'm still very confused because I've known him for so long, so why now? Is it because we've been there for each other because we've been abroad through difficult time so we comfort each other? Is it because I was worried that he may feel lonely or even depressed during the lockdown so I kept on checking up on him? I don't have any answers to this and I hope I can be sure of my feelings soon. Just want to share this in case anyone has also experienced this.