Don't worry!

Where should I start... So you guys might not know who am I and I love to keep it that way. But some might notice by the way I write this confession. So just like the title said "don't worry". Recently, both my mental and physical health is not doing good. I sometimes experience chest pain whenever I wake up from my sleep, I can't eat much even though I try, I've been having insomnia for 3 years already. There are some people who actually worry about me and tell me to visit a doctor and even want to help me with all the stuff that have happened; I really appreciate your kindness guy, really. I have visited the doctor, but I don't want to describe what he told me here. I have never asked anyone for anything; however, here I am for the first time, asking my friends, family to smile at my funeral when I'm gone. I know it's impossible for you, but let just say that it's my last wish and please help me fulfill it. I've been fighting so hard, but I'm sorry I can feel that I'm not strong enough, not anymore. I'm not gonna do anything stupid but I know that my time is coming, sooner or later. So please don't worry about me.

Feeling bottled up?

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2025-08-14

Lany - 13

29 Jan 2022, I saw her... It's been months since we last talked. A lot of things happened but memories of us still sculpted in my mind. I know that was solely my fault for pushing you so faraway that you and I have no idea how we could go back to the old us. It's ridiculous to say but despite my cold acts, I desperately want you to be mine although it's seemingly impossible. Being the third-wheel isn't my thing and me being a cheater would definitely out of the question. (Hey audiences, I know this sounds confusing. Lemme explain this, we both have our own partner) I don't know how to put this into word - the reasons why I chose to leave. However, I guess that was not a very bad decision I made, at least not to you. We both can focus on our own relationship. I'm so glad that you still can go on without my presence and be happy with your significant other and friends. You know what? I've been trying so hard to get you out of my mine. Countless attempts have passed, this time I admit that I failed... especially today. I was riding back home, listening to random songs on YouTube and thinking of you like I always do, and imagining how I would react and what I should say when we get to meet again... "the smell of you is way too much, not gonna put my heart through that... where did we go wrong? I know we started out alright" I was stunned. You were in front of me. Like 2m apart. You had your fav jacket on, the one that I tried to steal because you said your confidence dropped without this jacket. I saw some foods hanging on the hook which I thought that was for your mom because that's what you always did when we went back home after our unofficial date -- buying some foods home for your mama. I slowed down. My heart skipped a beat. That was unexpected, the person I'm thinking of and haven't talked to for months suddenly appeared in front of me, at the moment when our fav song played. I was stumbling, trying to figure out what I should do. Yet, nothing was done... Stupid, wasn't I? "Lately I've been someone and it ain't myself I'm spending all my time on somebody else I'm feeling all these feelings I don't understand You're the one good thing I ain't questioning Like ohh, if I knew that it would kill me I would still be there a thousand times over" This song came up next while I was secretly following her on her way back home. She rode too fast, without her helmet on (this girl is making me worried again). I really wanted to do something but I was not ready for this unexpected reunion. Finally, we seperated, not knowing when we'll officially meet again... même si je sais que je le regretterai plus tard. __________________ Hey, please take a good care of yourself. Untill we meet again. That time, I will be the one who comes to you first like when we first met :) though it might take some times, probably 2-3 years since I'll be going somewhere farway, but I promise I'll be back to pickup where we left off. Last but not least, be happy, even without me... and... I hope you think about me the way I think about you. And yes, it was enchanting to meet you :)

2025-08-14

I think it hits me again…

I think the dep hits me again. I noticed by when my heartbeat started to go fast, sometimes I feel suffocated, I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t concentrate, my hands get shaky, my body feel weak, I got lost of interest in making any decisions, my weight started to lost again. I hate to fall into the conditions but I couldn’t help. I tried asking for help but it doesn’t work, it only makes me feel like I’m different, especially when they try to be too careful with me (it looks to fake, I could see it) It is amazing how my mood changes too quickly, I was just laughing and talking a lot yesterday, but today everything become a sorrow story again. I used to think of getting a therapist, asking an expert on my conditions, but the fact that I was under control by my family and that I couldn’t ride or drive any transportation method at all, make me feel even more bad and useless. I also used to think about reaching them via email or phone calls, but I was too scared, it was too hard for me to make myself do it, so I decided I gave up seeking for mental specialist. I chose to be healed by my own. (I really did heal myself but there was a lot of time the demon hits me back and forth, sometimes I feel really happy and the next minutes I feel like k*lling myself) I don’t know what else should I do. Are there anyone who will be the light for me?

2025-08-14

He and She: For no reason

It's been almost a year since we last fought. A few months ago, you said we should be friends. I complied. Then next, you said we should not talk anymore since you are selfish and you have been hurting me along so you don't want to continue by any means. I also complied. In both times, I said nothing for I did respect your decision. But hear me this, my dear, he knows you twos never talk properly and you never give him proper answers the way he wants and he never forces you to do it. But perhaps, you twos could have a talk once? Maybe he could tell you all the stories from his side? I know this is a just stupid thing to ask for but at least he asked (I know asking someone anonymously from a confession text is of course more stupid). The crush of one of his friends has just got a girlfriend today. He asked her how she feels about that but she said okay. He wonders when it will be his turn, to know that you got into a relationship with somebody else. He saw that you have fallen in love again. So there is a piece of advice for you. Pursue that love if you have thought thoroughly that it will bring the happiness you have always wished for. Don't feel pressured if your ex still thinks of you because that one is an idiot and a dumb one to still think of his ex despite everything his ex has said to him. Let him be and pursue your new love. Perhaps, when he knows you are in a new relationship, he will realize how dumb he has been and may consider stopping thinking of you. He may still think of you, but I don't think he will be too selfish to be mad at you for getting into a new relationship. Actually, I am not sure what I am writing now, I just hope you don't know who I am. I just wish all the best to you and your career. Thanks for reading the story of He and She: for no reason. Ohh, by the way, Merry Christmas to you.

2025-08-14

I slept with my ex boss

On the bed, there were my friend, my ex boss and I. They were kinda drunk and I’m kinda tipsy. We sleep on one bed. He went to the toilet then I kinda wake up as I’m the light sleeper but I can’t wake up cuz the of many shots tequila. He came back to the bed hugging me and laying his hands on my body. Then he started to move his hand and slowly touch me (my hands and my shoulder only). His whole left arm was my boobs while holding my hands so I hold his arm and and place his hand on boobs (he got big hands and I’m fucking weak for that). Not long after that, we got into cuddling position. He put his chin on my shoulder and softly touch my other shoulder then move to my collar bone then my neck. I was uncomfortable as my friend is on right side and he’s on left side and I can’t move but I decided to move and turn my back to him but I still hold his hand and stick to my boobs (I swear I don’t love him, I just like it when something is on my boobs when I sleep). He moved his arm slowly while laying it on me (we still in the cuddling position but this time is spooning). His face behind my back, he keeps moving his face that has newly grow mustache on my flesh. It felt good, really. Then suddenly he let go of me and went back to normal sleeping position (I was like oh shit, why but I think nvm I’ll go back to sleep). A few minutes later he came back, his leg on my body, his arm on my boobs and went back to cuddling position again. He hugged me from behind, his face next to me. (There’s more but I can’t finish it cuz I’m sleepy asf now)
2025-08-14

Some of my point of view in these past few years for hiding from the reality.

Dope I am a kind of person that would build the walls instead of the bridge because I used to experience some trauma events in the past. [newLine*] [newLine*] They used to call me “ sensitive, dramatic, self victimized, stupid, etc.” And here I am, being a cold hearted person ever in my life. I don’t like the version of today’s me yet, I am still glad that it kinda makes me stronger and be more careful around my surroundings. Running away from my own feelings is one of my coping mechanisms since it is the best way to do so when it comes to expressing emotions. I wanted to open up and have the healthiest relationship with others but the dark inner part of me is still keep telling me that they will judge me in every possible way that they could also the people that I expect then to be will be leave me eventually anyway so instead of being my real self, I just show them what they wanted to see from me.[newLine*] [newLine*] Losing the ones that I love is also a tragic cause for my mental health too. My mom passed away since I was 6 years old and I hadn’t had the mother-daughter moments yet and it really broke my heart ‘til nowadays. So instead of crying, I usually hide my true emotions and keep moving forward when I was still not healed from what broke me in the past. I used to held grudges, always get jealous when they got what I wanted, they have the best relationship with their families, they have a strong self confidence and many more. Very toxic person I could possibly find. [newLine*] [newLine*] But here I am, after all what I have been through both mentally and physically. A cold hearted b*tch also I am still keep finding out who I really am and what is my purpose of life. I still feel guilty when I hurt the ones that love me so, but nothing is permanent anyway so I’ll live the best of my life instead of pleasing other people. [newLine*] [newLine*]From, thyka. ♡︎
2025-08-14

To Someone I’ll always love

I know we no longer belong to each other, but I miss you, always have missed you, and always will miss you. I don’t know why it is so easy for you to move on, to forget about us, but I don’t want to be like you. I want to keep our memories in my head as long as possible , I won’t try to forget about us, because those are the memories I adore the most. I wish you had cared a little more about my feelings, if you did, maybe we wouldn’t be strangers today. You always blamed me when we argued, calling me childish , never once reflected on your actions . Never knew how much you hurt me, or maybe you did know, you just chose to not care. Because, after all , maybe I’m not that special to you. I love you a lot , a lot that I’d take you back the second you tell me you miss me. To the person I wish loved me more , #R
2025-08-14

As if what I've ever done never enough for anyone

It's 12 a.m., I'm staring at the lamp right above my bed, trying to think of a reason why i never receive back the same effort i put on anyone. I've been in a relationship many times, and never in one of these have i ever feel like I'm receiving love from my significant other. I'm either abandoned, ghosted, or being taking for granted. There are lots of things in my chest that i just want to scream it all out right now, but i couldn't. I really wish my current relationship would last, but it seems like I'm being ignore more and more from one day to another. I'm really tired, I just don't understand why you treated me this way after I've give you everything I can. To my gf, I really hope you're not the "good boy ain't fun" type of girl, because I'm almost fed up right now. So done that one day i would walk away and never wish to ever see you again. Please, be good to me. I deserved to love too.

2025-08-14

Two people from two different worlds

You are so awesome. Everyone knows and loves you. I stood there looking at you; looking at how far we were from each other. I was just an outsider to your world. But when you reached me first, everything changed. You let me in, even just for a short moment. I finally could see and hear you clearly then. I wish time were frozen. I wanted to keep you longer but I didn’t know how to do that. You showed me the parts of you that I had never seen before. I wonder if you did that to everyone. Yet, it didn’t matter because that’s all I could ask for. Now that our worlds go back to normal, I wonder how you feel about back then. Perhaps it’s normal for you, but sitting there alone together just listening to you talking about your favorite things…my heart is still fluttering now. I wish I were brave enough to tell you about my feeling. Right now, I don’t think I have anymore chances. Eventually, we are just two people walking on two different paths. Yet, the memory you gave me, will always be my favorite fantasy. —tired owl.