Is it part of growing up?

Every year on this time, my birthday, I feel empty. I feel tired, pressure, and stress. Is it because I grow older, I got more responsibility. People may enjoy their birthday, but not me. I do not know why this happen. I noticed that in the last few year, I’ve been feeling the same. No excitement, nothing. NOTHING. I do not understand myself. I could not express in words. It just stuck in my mind, my body, my soul. Is it happen to everyone? Or just me? Writing this made me want to cry much, but there no tear left in me. If you have seen this and feel the same way, I hope you find your happiness and stay strong. #Fromaguywhobottledupeverything.

Feeling bottled up?

Recommended Posts

I thought I can love you enough to change you

I fought for you and I waited… I thought I could fix you. I chose you, again and again…. but you chose to be an immature man who refuse to communicate and be responsible for your own life. There is no commitment now. Be free. I will move on and love like I’ve never been hurt. I deserve better and I will grow to be a better person. You can go live and sort yourself out. Because this time, I choose to fight for my own happiness. The next man deserves the best of me, not what you put me through.

The hidden love, the endless regrets.

Life is too short to keep love locked in. Don’t trying to reject the truth and your true feelings to somebody. You lied when you told them that you did not love them. But you did. And now that is something you’ve to live with for the rest of your life. That is something you’ve to leave in the back of your throat. Imagine. Loving someone but not showing them how much you love them. This is the burden that arrives the moment you're gone. The weight you have to carry on your shoulders. The burning you feels over your skin when someone mentions their name. forever. You loved them but did not show it. And maybe you wanted more but was too distracted to do anything about it. You lost them. Some people can’t see the the good things in front of them because they think that they have time for it later but you know what, sometimes later become NEVER. How many “what if” in your life? If you have too much ” what if’s “ in your mind then what if your feelings are returned? You have to try for things even when you don't know the outcome. After you tell them the truth they can smile, say you they feel the same or simply go away, disappear and don’t talk to you anymore. All of these are still better than talking with a person and not telling them your real feelings. We never know what will happen tomorrow or in next few hours. Bear in mind that the pain of rejection and the awkwardness of feeling vulnerable is nothing compared to the regret of not saying something when you no longer have the chance. “Better is open rebuke than hidden love”

Metaphysical idea of Freedom

I have been living on a fence between being normal, socially constructed, like most of everyone else, and being true to my cognitive self. To set up the premise, I am currently working as a software developer. I've been coding just so I know how to make games but that is still easier said than done. Being torn between work for my family and walking for my own can sometimes be discouraging. Is it lunacy to chase a near impossible spectrum of goals given where we are living? and leave behind our own flesh and blood even though just for a brief period of time compared to the whole life span in which we humans can live? The idea of knowing your own value is so vaguely destructive due to never being taught before how to measure that aspect of our own internal value, which spawn ignorance and esteem issues. "Pick the one you love", they said. The idealistic entity in which all of my hopes and expectations combined has nothing more but shattered due to the chaotic nature of nature itself. I fear the unknown, the dread of not knowing what to come next. The dread of nothing matters. I can only work towards it but how it ends will frighten me nonetheless.

Will You?

If it were you, will you go to help ur ex if she/he ask you for a help even she/he alr had someone else ?

You were sunset and I was a sunrise, we were both chasing a different sky

Day by day, month by month, we slowly drifting away from each other. It's funny that we used to share everything with each other and solving our problem together without any hard feeling. Now that we both have our own responsibility and our own life to live, we completely turning back to one another. I still remember the day that we both promise each other to always stay by each other side but not anymore because when i look back, it's just me myself and i. I don't blamed you for giving up on us and on me but let's not do promising again because it's leaving a big scar on me. You said you want everything to be perfect and i am trying to be one of it but i never know my best wouldn't be up to ur standards. There's alot of things i wanna tell you but i couldn't type a single text even " Hey ". Now that we're not together anymore, i just want to wish you happiness and goodluck on your journey. It was enchanting to meet you 🤍

Is it just me?

Everytime I see a couple, I start wondering is it just me who never had good fate in love? How do people got in love so easily, how lucky are they to be around someone they love. Look at me, I never had a chance to be in that position, I wasnt able to imagine what its like to be in their shoes. Everytime I start to commit in a relationship, all the experience I got are rejection, betrayal and ghosting. Those experiences scare me. Every time I want to commit in a relationship, my memory flashback and little voice in my head keep telling me: "keep it for yourself, love is not made for you." I hate it so much. I just want to be normal 😪

Two people from two different worlds

You are so awesome. Everyone knows and loves you. I stood there looking at you; looking at how far we were from each other. I was just an outsider to your world. But when you reached me first, everything changed. You let me in, even just for a short moment. I finally could see and hear you clearly then. I wish time were frozen. I wanted to keep you longer but I didn’t know how to do that. You showed me the parts of you that I had never seen before. I wonder if you did that to everyone. Yet, it didn’t matter because that’s all I could ask for. Now that our worlds go back to normal, I wonder how you feel about back then. Perhaps it’s normal for you, but sitting there alone together just listening to you talking about your favorite things…my heart is still fluttering now. I wish I were brave enough to tell you about my feeling. Right now, I don’t think I have anymore chances. Eventually, we are just two people walking on two different paths. Yet, the memory you gave me, will always be my favorite fantasy. —tired owl.

Hi

it is late at night and I am thinking about u. How have u been so far ?? Is everything okay ?? Do you miss me like I do ??? Can we talk again ??? imy