A broken child.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Even though it was very clear at a young age to me that mommy and daddy absolutely hated each other’s guts and only got married in the first place cause of my birth, they refused to divorce. “Staying together for the kids” is the absolute worst thing you can do to a child. Mom and dad, What did I do wrong?? my existence??? [newLine*]Personally, it effected my general self esteem and the way I formed and behaved in relationships for the rest of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD, (yess PTSD) as growing up in a house that was literally a battlefield. I always blaming myself for being existing. I thought my family was normal. It wasn’t until i turned 15 when I had friends whom I would go visit and then I started seeing something completely different. My friends had normal parents. Before that, I thought a dysfunctional family was normal. I still suffer from anxiety to this day and self-esteem. My problems are a constant fear of getting too close to people, including friends. As I grew older I became more quiet. It’s effected my relationships and friendships to a point where I end up pushing people away. I like being alone where there’s complete silence and nothing can bother me. I think I came to this point due to growing up in my parents house and constantly hearing them scream at each other, doors slamming. My self-esteem problems are mostly from being ignored and neglected through out my early life. My parents whose were never involved with anything of my childhood despite us living in the same household. The cause of their arguments has always been about me, and still is to this day. My dad came home from work and fighting with my mom because of me, it became worse with age. I feel embarrassed or ashamed to even talk about this with my close friends. My family was of the type that everything happened behind closed doors and out in public. If I had friends come over, they became entirely different people in front of my friends. They could actually act right and tolerate each other when they had company- (why the hell can’t you be normal like that all the time?) For this reason, I never opened up and told my friends what happened in our house cause I feared they’d never believe me. It wasn’t until my early adult years, I finally opened up and started telling my friends what really going on at home but some of them told me that no matter what it is, they’re still my parents and they loves me but they don't seem to loves me nor even care about my feelings except for their own. I always want to get away from them and living my life without them. Sometimes when I opened up about it not because I want empathy nor attention but I just need someone who listen to me, listen to me without judging me. Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate my friends and understand that they’re just trying their best to comfort me.

Feeling bottled up?

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Love at first sight

អ្នកផឹកឡើងក្អូត អោយគេជូនទៅផ្ទះ? ចេញមុខមកភ្លាម I went to have a drink with group of guys (workmates), so did he, with his buddies too. Our table was around few steps each… His small eyes with thick glasses with his សំពោង hair really catches my eyes. I can help to join his table and asked his name yet I didn’t have confidence to share my social contact. After few bottoms up, I came back to my table. He keep raised his glass and cheer with me from other side. Finally my table was over, my workmates left the shop-I wasn’t ready to say goodbye then I joined his table. He kept asking me លើកដាច់ រួចគាត់ក៏ក្អួត ហើយយើងគិតលុយ។ ខ្ញុំផ្ញើរម៉ូតូទុកនៅហាង រួចជិះម៉ូតូជូនគាត់ទៅផ្ទះ។ តាមផ្លូវ គាត់ប្រាប់ខ្ញុំថា គាត់មានសង្សារហើយ។ សូមអរគុណ សូមជម្រាបលា។

First and last

#firstandlastpt1 Everything start from me, it was my fault that fall in love with him. It was me who start to message him first everytime and he really friendly that make me feel he has feeling for me too. I spent 3 year to know his information and start to message him in 2019.I don't except he really talkative in message and I have good memories with each other since 2019-2020. As a girl who never had experience in love, I was so brave to proposal to him first and he reject me and said sorry. It's hurt me alot but I pretend to be okay and text him we still can be cousin like before. After that moment, I only text him whenever it's related to family issues. Someday I really miss how funny conversation I had with him even I start it first. 2021 I start to move on because I learn some advice through the book , listen to music and start to working outside cause I was a junior now. It's really work for me, I'm happy with book and my friend, we go out and had fun time and I thought I'm not into him fr. But in 2022 March, He start to message me first and I start to ignore but after 2 day ago, he talk about his family issues related to me. I decided to reply short message and he ask me to join his sister's wedding. I said yes cause we're cousin and live next to each other now. But....he make me disappointed in him again. I'll update next part 🔜

I don't want to give up.

I am depressed, insecurities filled my mind, anxiety consumed my daily life. I am filled with hate and resentment towards myself. I want to be happy but I just can't seem to be, I put on a fake smile in front of everybody but I am getting very exhausted doing so. I want to keep going but I feel like I am on the edge of the cliff and I am about to jump...! I cried for help but my family didn't seem to care, not many people seem to care, am I worthless? What is my purpose in life? Why am I here? Somebody help me!

Double Standard !

I got one question been wondering long time. if a man happens to be with another girl after a few month of his break up. Some people would call him " He must be a cheater, blah blah" but, if a woman happens to be with with another man after a few month of her break up. Some people would think " Finally she found her right ones..... " My questions is "Why? no matter what we do we always turn out to be a bad part ?" i just don't understand - that's all. #ZVI

You’re not standing there

Every time I drove by your house, I always stopped and stared, hoping to see you standing in front of the entrance, waiting for someone to answer the door like you used to. I remember when I brought you home and your mom made me a tuna sandwich and told me to eat a lot so I could grow faster. I miss the taste of her food and the picture of you standing calmly in front of the house. Today, I passed by your house again but I didn't see you there. The neighborhood was quiet; too quiet that it gave me a strange sense of calmness. It was like a void in my heart — calm but empty. I don't know why some people say that loss gets easier with time. It's been years, and the fact that I still haven't gotten used to your absence is a nuisance. Maybe in another universe I can still see you standing somewhere and waiting for me. But here it all ends too soon. So, make sure to have a good new life out there and promise me to love yourself well. I’ll love myself too. -owl

Does she feel the same way like I did?

I might say that this was a love at first sight for me since I first saw her I fell in love with her eyes and everything about her. Staying and chatting with her feel so right. Is it just me feeling this way about her? I would skip everything just to wait for her although we have only a little time to spend with each other. I am not so sure about myself if I could be a good or the right one for her, but I would still love to stay by her side and do everything just to make her happy. I was actually telling her how I feel by putting it into jokes. was it a good idea to do it? To be honest, this time I wanna ask her to be my GF, but I couldn't do it. I have no courage to do so. Why? because I'm scared of getting rejected that she might not feel the same way like I did.

A Facebook crush

I don’t even know that I have feelings for u. You seems like a funny person and my type IG bcuz u just caught my attention. Even if we never met but I wish one day we’ll talk to each other instead of reacting haha on each other posts. ><

I don't think I'm winning this life battle anymore!

Normal ppl don't know what it feels like to wake up everyday and wish I'm not alive. I hate waking up, I hate living, I hate being sad everyday. I'm tired of trying, sick of crying. I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying. Behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind my laugh I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you'll see, the girl I am, it isn't me. I hate seeing everything blooming around me while I'm here still withering into nothingness, I feel like I'm already dead so what difference would it make. Sometimes I just wish I was dead, I wouldn't have to wake up everyday with regret. I wouldn't have to hate myself more than I already do. But most importantly I wouldn't have to feel pain anymore. I'm hiding what I'm feeling but I'm tired of holding this inside my head. I'm not feeling anything, I'm completely empty right now, it's making me depressed. When you're depressed you don't control your thoughts, your thoughts control you. I wish some ppl would understand this, especially my parent. Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore. I'm sorry for being like this. I'm sorry for being such a failure.