Hi Mishi :3

Where I stand

Day by day, I started to know where I stand in everyone’s life. I’m that friend who is there when they need something. I’m that daughter who is responsible for every big and little things inside and outside the household. I’m that granddaughter who is just a female. I’m that sister who doesn’t deserve the respect. I’m that niece who got compared with the cousins’ parents and got hated by my own cousins. I’m that girlfriend who loves too much and also being a little too much that sometimes it suffocates him. Every eyes and words that look and say to me, make me feel small worthless. Whenever i try to explain what happen and both me, I got shouted back, not listening to me, first they comfort and still act the same. It’s hard coming home everyday and get the cold look from everyone and no one in the house actually talking to you. I have to repeat myself over 3 times to get the answer or someone attention. The only time I get someone to care enough for my well-being or existence is when I commit suicide.

2025-08-14

Nobody heard from me for months

I’ve been isolating myself from everyone for awhile now. I avoid meeting ppl, I don’t pick up calls or reply any chat from anyone, I put my phone on airplane mode everyday. To those who knows me, will know how normal it is for me to disappear every now and then. But this time I took a long break, I don’t know if ppl around me will be patient enough to deal with this break. I have this one habit of disappearing when things get tough and refuse to ask for help from anyone or showing my vulnerability to ppl. Things get tough lately to the point that everything become overwhelming to me, I can’t complete any task, I can’t even take care of myself. I used to be an achiever, a person who dream big and thrive for everything in life, want to do this and that, but things often take the wrong turn, then I failed from time to time, which leads me to choose on a plan B (which I’m not very fond of). Time goes by, I feel like I’m shifting further away from my dream, I’m forcing myself to do the thing that I don’t want to do, I feel like everything I do is just for the sake of existing, I don’t feel like I have a life anymore. Sometimes I just wish I have the power to erase myself from ppl memories, I just want them to forget about me so that I can end my life peacefully. I don’t want to carry remembrance, remorse, or sorrow to my after life. But that’s physically impossible. Sometimes I wonder what if I move away as far as possible, disconnecting from ppl until one day they forget who I was and start working on myself again until I’m in a good state and come back like nothing happened, will they still accept me? Will that make everything better? I feel bad yet grateful for those who often trying to help or checking up on me once in a while when they notice I’m not okay, I just want to say sorry for ignoring u but thanks for ur patience. It might look like I’m disregard ur empathy, but I just wanted u to know that I appreciate that a lot, even though I don’t say it and I value ur time, effort and everything. Just for the quick update for those who asking me ‘How’s thing? How’s life?’, not so good, but I’m thriving and doing my best to get by. Just for now, I need a break, a long big break from everything. I can’t continue at a stage like this. I’ve been building bad performance at school, at work and every task that I attempted to do. Therefore, I quit school, quit work, avoid any social social interaction at all cost. There’s just me and me atm. No I don’t have plan or know what to do next anymore. I’m just working on my inner me. Hoping I’ll be okay again very soon. So pls be patient with me, don’t give up on me just yet, I’ll be back…

Stranger again…

Typing on your keyboard while working, you were so focused. You are the type of guy that does not talk unless there is something important to be talked about, which was why we rarely talked until there was something either you or I needed help of. Later, everything changed because one thing led to another and we became so close. We started to share our daily lives activities, and you always found something that we both enjoyed talking to one another. It got to the point that it was very difficult to go through a day without talking to you. It had become a habit of ours to have daily conversation about this and that. No one knew that we were that close since we were so good at hiding it from others, but I knew that deep down in my heart, I already fell for you. You were a guy who did everything I look for in a boyfriend. You made me felt like that there were still nice guys in this world even though we were just friends. Every morning when I woke up, I was always excited to start my day as I would be able to see your face. I could not help but kept looking at you from time to time, and sometimes I caught you did the same to me too. One day, you confessed that you had feeling for me and wished that we could be more than just friends. You just made a girl very happy. I could not stop smiling seeing that message of yours. My heart was pumping hard and my hands were shaking. However, I did not know how to reply besides saying ‘I am sorry but it is not possible’. The feeling of wanting it so much but could not get it was like having a knife stabbed in my chest. We both knew why it could never happen. You gave it a try hoping that I would say yes but I could never do it knowing that it could hurt someone. A part of me wish that you never said those words so that we could keep pretending that we did not have feeling for each other and still could communicate with one another as usual. We were like characters in a novel who could never have a happy ending together. A chapter of my life with you in it was the best and at the same time the most painful. We met, we talked, we became close, and then we became strangers again. It was like nothing had ever happened between us.

He and She: For no reason

It's been almost a year since we last fought. A few months ago, you said we should be friends. I complied. Then next, you said we should not talk anymore since you are selfish and you have been hurting me along so you don't want to continue by any means. I also complied. In both times, I said nothing for I did respect your decision. But hear me this, my dear, he knows you twos never talk properly and you never give him proper answers the way he wants and he never forces you to do it. But perhaps, you twos could have a talk once? Maybe he could tell you all the stories from his side? I know this is a just stupid thing to ask for but at least he asked (I know asking someone anonymously from a confession text is of course more stupid). The crush of one of his friends has just got a girlfriend today. He asked her how she feels about that but she said okay. He wonders when it will be his turn, to know that you got into a relationship with somebody else. He saw that you have fallen in love again. So there is a piece of advice for you. Pursue that love if you have thought thoroughly that it will bring the happiness you have always wished for. Don't feel pressured if your ex still thinks of you because that one is an idiot and a dumb one to still think of his ex despite everything his ex has said to him. Let him be and pursue your new love. Perhaps, when he knows you are in a new relationship, he will realize how dumb he has been and may consider stopping thinking of you. He may still think of you, but I don't think he will be too selfish to be mad at you for getting into a new relationship. Actually, I am not sure what I am writing now, I just hope you don't know who I am. I just wish all the best to you and your career. Thanks for reading the story of He and She: for no reason. Ohh, by the way, Merry Christmas to you.

Subtly losing her

I can’t do it anymore. I have to admit it. I can never get her out of my heart. I’ve tried and tried and the harder I try to, the bigger hold I discover in my heart. She has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to and there has been countless of times that I wanted to. It has been overwhelming, drowning, suffocating and even deadly painful at times but I could not stop loving her anymore than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably, subconsciously in love with her. More than she and I would know. I start losing her subtly, but the pain I feel is enormous. I can’t lose her. I really can’t.

Avoiding

I feel like everyone keep avoiding me and I have no idea why would they treat me like that. I keep wondering what did i do wrong? Is there anything i've missed out ? And I really don't know. And you know I now can feel the lyrics" I think I've seen this film before, and didn't like the ending" because yes, I used to be treat like this too and that's what scared me most. And I scared I keep seeing it and it repeat time too time, again and again.

Final Chapter of Your Character in My Life

Regret? I'd say no. Because deep down I know you chose the right path. Pain? I'd say no. Because when I see how happy you are without my standing beside you, 'who am I to say "It's hurt." if you're happy?'--I ask. Miss? I'd say no. Because it would make no sense that someone, who hurt you, approaches you and say "I miss you". Love? Oh lord, No. It doesn't make any sense to love something you shattered, right? The only question to which I'd say yes is: "Is this the last time we talk to each other?" I'm not in a position to regret, miss, love, or even complain about the pain I've been going through. But at least I'm happy. I'm happy to know that I can no longer hurt you, and you're happy--even if someone else is the reason for that happiness.

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