I wish I would have realized that earlier

I'm not about to keep explaining myself, my feelings, my boundaries, and my actions to somebody who is intent upon misunderstanding or ignoring me when I do. I cannot communicate with somebody who is not open to exchanging. Communication is what you do and how you behave, not just your words. Did you ignore me all day to play video games? Well guess what? This communicates with exquisite clarity that you values video games more than spending time with me. Does you ogle other women? you’re communicating that you’re disloyal. Communication with someone who is committed to misunderstanding you or taking advantage of you, is absolutely useless and you’re better off preserving your energy and moving on. Communication is happening 24 hours a day, whether the you realizes it or not. Everything you say, everything you don’t say, everything you do or don’t do...ALL of it communicates something important. Even the most nuanced micro-expression on our faces are also the forms of communication. Actions speak louder than words.

Feeling bottled up?

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2025-08-14

I think it hits me again…

I think the dep hits me again. I noticed by when my heartbeat started to go fast, sometimes I feel suffocated, I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t concentrate, my hands get shaky, my body feel weak, I got lost of interest in making any decisions, my weight started to lost again. I hate to fall into the conditions but I couldn’t help. I tried asking for help but it doesn’t work, it only makes me feel like I’m different, especially when they try to be too careful with me (it looks to fake, I could see it) It is amazing how my mood changes too quickly, I was just laughing and talking a lot yesterday, but today everything become a sorrow story again. I used to think of getting a therapist, asking an expert on my conditions, but the fact that I was under control by my family and that I couldn’t ride or drive any transportation method at all, make me feel even more bad and useless. I also used to think about reaching them via email or phone calls, but I was too scared, it was too hard for me to make myself do it, so I decided I gave up seeking for mental specialist. I chose to be healed by my own. (I really did heal myself but there was a lot of time the demon hits me back and forth, sometimes I feel really happy and the next minutes I feel like k*lling myself) I don’t know what else should I do. Are there anyone who will be the light for me?

2025-08-14

It’s okay…

It's okay for you to miss the person who hurt you, but it's not okay for you to let that person hurt you again. It's okay for you to talk to the person who doesn't deserve you, but it's not okay for you to give that person another chance. It's okay for you to think about the person who lied to you, but it's not okay for you to believe that person can be trusted. It's okay for you to be friends with the person who played you, but it's not okay for you to hope that this person is capable of being loyal. It's okay for you to be there for the person who made you more miserable than happy, but it's not okay for you to expect that it's gonna be different if nothing ever changed. It's okay for you to still care about the person who took you for granted, but it's not okay for you to put yourself back in a position for that person to make you feel unappreciated. Don't let someone who did you wrong make you feel like there's something wrong with you. Don't devalue yourself just because someone didn't know your value. Know your worth even when that person doesn't.
2025-08-14

Daddy issue

When I was a kid I wanted to marry my dad when I grow up. In my eyes, he was the ideal husband. Growing up to an adult now I am, it's been 1 year since I last talked with my dad. All of the experience I witnessed from hurting my mom to verbally abused my mental health, I grew apart and swear to myself I will never meet anyone like my dad. It's probably affect to my relationship life because I somehow ended up taking a bare minimum to feel loved. I somehow fool myself that it was love while instead it wasnt even close to love. I have a daddy issue and I afraid that I no longer looking in love in a man or knowing what I deserve more in love.

2025-08-14

365 days of your absence.

I’m the owner of #KJ0010 To my best friend who passed away way too young, I have a thing to tell you that I’ll finished my M.S next year, the dream we once had. I delicate all my achievements to you. Thank you for being in my life for the 6 years you were. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. For pushing me. It's true what they say… the good die young. For what? Nobody will ever know the answer to that. Your last text were “ I’ll be the the star, the ones that brighter than the rest”. That day forever changed my life. I did not know that was going to be the last time I would talk to you. I wish I could've stopped this from happening. I keep going through everything in my head trying to think of ways I could've prevented this from happening, but I know I couldn't have. I wish I had the superpower to turn back time. I may carry guilt for the reason you aren’t here. You were, and still are, so loved by many. Sethika, Even though you are not here anymore, you will always be in my heart. You were such a special person. I wish you could see all the things i saw in you. You’ll be forever young and beautiful; P.S I don’t end this story with a period, but a semicolon instead, in hopes that one day we may reunite and our adventures together can start again. In another life, I would be your sister and I’ll be the older ones;

2025-08-14

Happy father's day

My mom was talking about getting a divorce, and my dad was totally bummed out about it. For like a week I was bouncing back and forth between my mom's place and my house, where my dad was. I tried to cheer him up, but he kept asking about my mom and telling me to talk to her, do something to change her mind. But, to be real, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that she had already made up her mind. So the night before Father's Day I was heading out to crash with some friends, but before I left I told him I'd be back early to make him breakfast. He was like, "Nah, that's cool." Didn't think much of it. That night I hit up a club and drink tonnes of cocktails. After an hour of feeling nothing, I started to feel dizzy and sweaty. My heart was pounding and I was losing it. I asked my friends to take me to the hospital, that something was seriously wrong. They were all, like, "Nah, you're good." Finally, this dude I just met that day, who was friends with one of my homies, drove me to his crib. I was totally freaking out the whole way home, trying to catch my breath and not die. When we got there, my body started to calm down, but I was still super weak and wiped out. I remember lying on his bed. His dog came over and curled up with me, resting his head on my leg and looking all sad. Then, like around 6am, all my friends showed up, apologizing for not taking better care of me. I asked them to take me home, but on the way there I started crying for no reason, just feeling like I needed to go to the hospital. When we got to my house, there was a note taped to the door that said, "Don't go in and call the cops. I'm sorry for being a coward." My heart already felt weak, but when I read that note it just fell apart. I was in shock, but I managed to call the police and tell them my dad had killed himself. I sat on the porch and cried my eyes out. There was a lot of crying that whole day. When my mom showed up, she was wailing and crying out, "Oh my god, oh my god." They took me to the neighbor's house and put me in the guest room. The rest of the day I was all by myself, trying to make it through. There were times when I felt like I was going to pass out. I was too weak to cry. After a while, I realized it was Father's Day.
2025-08-14

Heartbreak is a karma (Admin edition)

Yeah well admin is also using this page because stuff be that messed up sometimes. Religiously speaking, you do good, you get good. You do bad, you get bad. And that's karma. I'm not that religious myself but some theories do stay. When I do good, I don't expect anything back. But when I know I did something bad, I always expected that it will happen back to me one day. Right now, I don't know, I feel empty, I feel heartbrokened. Yeah allowing myself to feel those things, I put myself at fault, only I am to blame. But like the title says: Heartbreak's a karma. I'm not pretty, I dont have much admirers in high school so I'm not used to people liking me. So when I encounter someone who does, I used to just accept their love and learn to love them afterwards because I guess that is what happens when you are desperate. But now I dont do that anymore, I meet so much people nowadays so high school was a small world, a small sea with a few fish. I raised my standards, I told myself to only get in a relationship if i genuinely get attached when we were talking, I need to like someone before getting into a relationship. I wont ever get into a relationship and then learn to like them afterwards, never again. Unexpectedly I found that someone. I raised my standards and I raised my guards but in the end I still caught feelings alone. Again, I'm not pretty. But people confessed, people tried flirting. They were good people, they put in so much efforts yet I already liked someone else so rejection was the only way out; I tried ignoring the texts, replied the texts after a long time, and with all these indirect rejections, sometimes I still had to come down to a direct one where I said no. Being rejected hurts, I know it hurts because I've been through it too so I dont like rejecting people; I dont want to hurt you because I know what it's like to be hurt. So please, dont fall for me, dont try to love me, dont like me more than a friend. Every heartbreak, every sorrow Im feeling, I blame myself, I blame myself because i did that to you too, and the pain found its way back. Besides of the guilt of rejecting people, I'm hard to love, I'm incapable of being happy, there are so much more people out there who deserve your love, your efforts, but not me. Furthermore, when I like someone, I do it with all my heart and that's not something that is easy to pull out from so you're probably too late regarding the speed of how fast I fall for someone. My life, my emotions, how I function are so messed up like that. I wouldn't want you to be messed up trying to adapt with me.

2025-08-14

What are we?

I always ask myself, who are you to me? We are close than friend but not in relationship. I am pretty sure that you know how I feel for you. So, please give me an answer. It isn’t fun staying in such dilemma.

2025-08-14

IT'S A MATCH!

IT'S A MATCH! Things escalated and we were now getting to know each other on our personal socials. I am a person who wasn't really looking forward to other people's messages before. With her, things were different.. She would often send me posts related to cute things that couple do. It was so cute, I swear. I was really looking forward to our first date together. At other times, she would send me posts about insecurity, loneliness.. etc She mentioned she was insecure and have a fear of her loved ones leaving her. It makes me want to care for her, shelter her.. It felt like I began to really fall for her, as I was really excited whenever we talk or text. A few weeks has passed since our first encounter, her replies started to take a longer time than usual. I was curious as she said she is done with Tinder in one of our calls before. So I went back on the app with an anonymous profile this time.. and to my surprise, I managed to match with her again. There she is, with her cute，flirty replies.. I felt a little jealous.. It felt like we had chemistry, but you started to drift slowly apart from me. Things were really going south for us. I questioned your late responses and you replied with having no time for a relationship. I guess, that's a fair answer. All the best from me, kon kmeng. #K