I would have felt a little better if you could at least hear what I was talking:) #fromkid
I won’t make this long, i just wanna share how i feel to the people so that i won’t have to stuck in my own jail. i’m not an introvert yet i often do things alone rather than asking people for help. Idk if i’m straight, gay or bisexual. I did dated girls, dated boys but it won’t last more than 4 months until now I realize that i don’t need to be in relationship. All i want is a best friends that i can trust share and do things together.
A fictional character, who was inspired by a stupid kid with zero commitment. And now, that character is having some mental crisis. The problem is that she’s been doubting her life decisions and kinda want to end every sh*t including her own L… And as a writer, shall I just finish her or let her live fearing those uncertainty?
I fucked up again. Choosing the same old path and now suffering same old mistake. Risking myself to accept that love again. Open myself to trust again but now all I got is this god damn pain. And now I think I am the REAL problem :)
I know we started from stranger and now we also ended up as a stranger again. But before we ended up, you said you love me so much, you said I am a precious thing you have ever had, and look at us now you’re happy with someone new and you broke me into pieces. I used my pure intention yet you used your feeling to play with my pure heart:/ I am just not good to talk it out, but this time I feel dead inside, You made me think all guys are bad just like you. First you did goo to me, after I fell for you, you started breaking me. And now I just hope you will be doing alright after I’m gone, and also hope I will forget you as fast as I could:/
I fell for you. Over and over. Repeatedly, I let you hurt me and come back. For so long, I made these excuses in my mind that made me believe that I meant more to you than I probably ever did. I vividly remember the days when you left and I would spend hours crying. My chest was heaving with the pain that came with being the second choice once again. I’ve spent years instinctively looking for any remnants of you. Hoping that one day you would simply realize everything that you did wrong. But sadly, I found myself wishing for things that wouldn't happen. I fell into that familiar second choice again. Maybe it’s my fault for letting you, for always sitting within your peripheral vision and being someone you could run back to. Maybe it’s my fault for not standing up for myself sooner. I spent so much time wondering why I was never good enough to be that first choice. Never good enough to be the one you felt you needed. As I watch you search for something you’re looking for, I silently sit back here holding my tongue while I try not to tell you that it’s me. But maybe you don't feel the same and it’s easy for me to say that I’m not a second choice. And yet, every time you come back, I find myself falling all over again. Knowing within me that I will always be the backup plan. I always go in with a strong will and a solid wall around me and I always come out with a broken heart. Maybe that’s my life, my destiny as some would call it, to always be waiting for you to choose me first. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and realize how much of a first choice I truly am and finally let you go. Until then I’ll stand here feeling much like the someone who’s always chosen last because maybe I am, after all, just a second choice.
Just as close as a family she said... So us having something secretive behind the group is considered a betrayal. Him being uncomfortable talking about it and is still unsure about me, her pushing me to tell everyone as soon as possible, so we can discuss about it with the group because what me and him are doing is considered to be more than sinful. Following her, will lose me him. Following him, will lose me her. Leave it as it is and we will all lose each other. And me being in the middle of it, makes it easier for me to blame it all on myself when I can't even fully understand what it's turning into. I love them so much, I love everyone so much. But can I just have a bit more time, "Her"? And can you give us a chance to try it in a different way , "him"? I know I'm so "immature" to you guys but trust me a little, will you? Because I'm so close to end me for the sake of everyone.
When things got too caught up, I disappeared, I shut down that just how I am, that’s how I cope with stress. So sorry, I think this time I shut down too long didn’t I? I didn’t talk for months instead of hours. Actually, during those months I hope that u would comfort me but u never once message me during those months and all these thoughts that were all up in my head like “you don’t love me anymore” start to come up and it’s true. When I finally open up again, when I feel better and talk again You already decided to abandon me. It’s hurtful but it’s understandable so I respect your decision. Hope that’s the best decision you’ve ever made. Hope you are happy. Some people are blessings, some are lessons so Thank you for the lesson. 🥰
9:30pm, 11th April - The start of our Journey, it was our first date. He brought me to places I never been before, experience new things. It was like a dream if I could date him. Everything was perfect, I was happy than ever. But that happiness didn’t last forever…… To be continued.